This is where I start to get uncomfortable

I'm at the park with the kids yesterday afternoon and while the girls are taking turns pushing the baby in the swing, I decide to check in on Twitter. Yes, I am that person. The woman with her Crackberry permanently attached to her hand. Anyway, I'm reading tweets and something someone had said cracked me up and I laughed out loud.

Twitter or Facebook, this woman near me asks. I turn and notice this woman, who I hadn't even realized had sat down. Twitter I said, without thinking. But I use Facebook too.

Oh what's your Twitter name? I can follow you.

Uh, it's protected I said. We're from California and I use it to keep in touch with friends out there. Oh, okay was her answer. Then Harrison called out to me and I got up and walked away.

I lied. To a random stranger. She looked nice. She had kids. She was at the park in my neighborhood. I still lied to her.

Why?

Well that is a hard one. I am going to be dead honest here. I don't ever intend on telling my family or friends about this blog. (Yes my husband knows, but he wishes he didn't. He probably wishes what I said to her were true, that you all were old friends from California.) I don't use Facebook for realz. I mean, yes I have one. But not one that my family could find. Twitter? well the same thing there, although a few people know that I use it, but none of them seem interested in it at all. People like my mother for example could care less what Twitter is, although I have explained it to her.

I can't make friends with people in my area through blogging or Twitter and think I can keep it quiet. Or separate. My children have the biggest mouths in the world. I don't fault her at all, but Morgan is the one who mentioned my previous blog to my aunt, which caused HUGE family drama, because I was too open, too honest and she still won't speak to me.

My blog life, my online life, is separate from my life in many, many ways. I tried it the other way and it blew up in my face. People, my own step-mother won't speak to me because of it. Unless I am standing in front of her, I don't exist. My own father won't talk to me more than once a month because of it. (Well that and they are both asses.) Iit's been a few years. I don't have much family on that side and almost none of them really speak to me anymore because of the secrets they believe I shared with the world. They aren't wrong, I did. I said things I shouldn't have, because I believed I was safe. But hi, when you use your children's real names and they are not very common names, you are easy to find.

This is me. This space is my place to be me. I don't lie here. I've told you all straight out that my family and blog life are separate. This is where I can be brutally honest. More honest and open than I am in real life, I'll tell you that right now. This is where I say, I am struggling right now to maintain. I am struggling with my depression right now. I am unhappy right now. I am sad. My heart hurts.

I can say this all here and much more, because this is my space. My space to be me, without repercussions from my friends and family. Logan does not read this blog. He has asked that I not discuss his personal life too much, but I could and he wouldn't even know it. He has left this as my deal.

But now I'm going to a conference. A conference with what like 1000 other bloggers? I am starting to wonder why I am doing this. Why I want to meet you all as much as I do, when I will come home and pretend I was elsewhere. Until the Keynote thing, I thought it would be okay. I can remain anonymous if I am 1 of a 1000. It's harder to remain anonymous when you are on a keynote with 15 other bloggers. I don't have the answers. I am going to go to the conference, read my post and have a blast. But I don't know what happens when I get back and it scares me.

Is that okay? Does it bother you guys? Are you okay with me, the me you know here, if you know I will most likely never introduce you to my husband, children or friends? Is it okay that this is my thing? My one place in my life, where it's just about me? Will you still be my friends despite the fact that I'd lie to a random stranger about being on Twitter, because it keeps the peace in my life?

The lines are blurry. I've let them get blurry, because I consider you guys my friends. True, real, friends. No question about that. But the blurriness scares me.

BlogHer freakout #1

There's this thing that I'm going to in a few weeks. BlogHer. Maybe you've heard of it? Might ring a bell? (For those of you not going, I am sorry but this post is all about it. I've been there, I've wanted to go twice previously. I get how it can be to listen to it all the time. Please forgive me though, because I need to talk about this.)

So um, yeah, I am going to be part of the Community Keynote at the conference. A post that I wrote was submitted by the lovely and talented Stacey. I told her she could submit it when she asked, because I honestly didn't think it would get chosen. I know that sounds bad, but it's true. I have no pre-conceived notions about my writing. I know it's not the best. It's just me, raw and un-cut.

However my post did get chosen. I am absolutely honored by this. I can not even explain how honored and thrilled I am. To be a part of something like this is just beyond me. But I am going to be part of this. I am going to get up there and read my post to the two five gulp hundreds of people who could possibly be in the room.

Can you feel my fear over the screen?

I am terrified. I have no doubts that I can do it. That's not the problem. I may talk to fast and sweat a bit, but I am positive I can get through it. But I'm still scared shitless. That's a lot of freaking people, yo. Serious. Some of the blogging greats will be reading during this keynote. People who I adore, people who are extremely great writers. (I did hire a professional hand holder, a drink giver and possibly a body guard. Won't they be sad when they realize, I pay in Jelly Beans.) I don't know that I measure up.

This came up after I realized that I was already nervous about the conference in general. Nervous being a mild word. Nightmares. I'm having BlogHer nightmares. Going to this conference is so far out of my comfort zone, I can not even begin to tell you.

I've been doing this blogging gig, off and on since 2005. But I've never gone to a conference. I've literally only met four blogger. I don't tell people that I blog. I won't tell people when I get back. My family and friends think I am going on a girls weekend. That is just the way it is.

So I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. I've heard all the stories, the rumors and seen all the posts for years. But reality is different.

I'm hoping that some of you who have gone before can help me out on a few small questions I have. Might put my mind at ease a bit. Anyone of you who is new to this too, maybe we can be buddies? Having buddies is always better than wandering around by yourself. Right?

Ok, here goes nothing.

1. Does it matter if I wear jeans and flip-flops the entire time? I keep hearing people discuss dresses and such, but that's just not something I'm into. But I don't want to be the only one looking like her wardrobe sucks.

2. Business cards? Is this like a must? Are you doing it?

3. How many of you really think you'll go to the Community Keynote?

4. Am I the only one scared shitless?

5. If I hide in a closet, will one of you bring me drinks?

I'll leave it at this for now. I'm working on another post, one that I stole from Undomestic Diva, on what you should know about me before we meet in person. Maybe you should know that I am a totally idea thief. Nah, you all knew that already.

Okay, halp, please.

Questions for the class

1. Do you guys comment back to people in your own comment sections? I email people a lot of the time, but some days, I just want to say something like, ha that was funny. Or a big thanks to everyone, on a post like my last one, where I am having trouble finding words to thank everyone individually. (Truly, everyone, thank you. I can't say more than a heartfelt thank you to each of you.) A lot of times, I don't have an email address, as blogger doesn't require one to comment. I read every comment, I love every comment and I appreciate you all for taking the time to respond to me. I just can't always respond to everyone back. What's your take on it?

2. Do any of you feel the urge to write a post, just because the one that is currently up is hard and sad and you feel like it needs to be moved down a bit? Is it just me who gets like this? Because I could have nothing to say, but I will come up with something, just to move a post down if the subject is too raw. i.e. today.

3. Blogrolls? Yah or nay? I used to love having one, but now with the BlogHer Ads, I don't feel like it will ever be seen. Do you like them, do you ever click on them? Would you want to be on mine?

4. BlogHer Ads is a tricky thing. I wanted them for so long. It seemed like the thing to do. I really love BlogHer, I think they've done a great thing for this community. They've helped to bring so many people together. But the ads will never make me a cent. I didn't put them up for that, not in the least. But I'm wondering why I have them. Is it a status thing? For a long time, back in the day, it was. If you had them, you were in some type of in crowd. It's not really like that anymore. All I know is it takes up a big chunk of space on my site and I'm not sure I need, nor want it there anymore. Thoughts?

Answers, get your red hot answers

First off, I love these questions. You people are way more entertaining than I ever could be. Seriously. Thank you for humoring me and helping me to have something to write about. I needed it. Obviously I'm going to be gone for the weekend, but hopefully I will have much too write about when I get back. Five days with my step-mom tends to do that too me. Secondly, I love you all for what you said to anonymous. I can't tell you what it means to me, to have such amazing friends. I have decided to answer the asshat. Not because I think I should, but because I have something to say to it. Yes, all asshats are hereby, it's. They don't have a name, they don't get treated with respect.

So here we go:

Kirsten: Name your favorite thing about each of your kids. I love that Morgan is so inquisitive and independent. I adore the way she yearns for knowledge and I absolutely love her sense of humor. Bailey is about the sweetest person anyone could ever hope to meet. She is loving and kind and giving. I love snuggling with her on the couch for hours. She knows no stranger and the world is her friend. She's also old for her years, she understands more about people than some adults do. Harrison, god i adore everything about him. He is a serious little dude and that is kinda fun. I love trying to make him smile, even though it can take hours. I also love how easy going he is.

How did your husband propose? Um...he didn't, I did. I asked him if he'd marry me. We were in Santa Monica, it was like 2am and we were swinging on the swings. I asked him. He said yes and the we went and bought rings the next day. Sweet, simple, easy.

What did you have for dinner last night? A egg, bacon and cheese sandwich. With some fruit salad. We are big on breakfast for dinner around here. (I answered this on Wednesday of last week. Sorry, it's been a rough couple of days in my world. Last night, I had dinner with Maura and there was cake.)

Instamom: Knowing that you just got back from Hawaii, what I want to know is where in the world you would most like to visit and what you would like to do there. I'd love to go to Italy and see it all. Spend months there or even a year. I'd love to rent a villa in Tuscany and learn Italian. I'd love to visit every art museum in Rome and ride gondolas every day for weeks in Florence. I adore Italy; the country, the people, the food.

Kari: What song could you listen to over and over and over, and.... This is a hard one, because I always have a CD full of songs that I can listen to over and over to in the moment. But always? Um anything ever sung by James Taylor. Or the Dixie Chicks. Or Dreamland by Mary Chapin Carpenter, which is what I sing to my babies at night.

J from Ireland: What would you do if you won the lottery? Move to Italy for a year? Buy a house in Malibu on the beach, a condo in Hawaii and maybe an apartment in New York. I'd pay off my dad's house and buy my siblings each a house and a car. Then, I'd donate a ton of it and save the rest.

Anonymous: are you on meds? Yes, in fact I am. I have a lot to say to you anonymous, but I know it would all go over your head. After the weekend that I've had, I just can't address this like I had planned. But please hear this: medications are not a magic pill. I still have the propensity to get depressed, maybe just not as often or as bad. When I needed them the most, I was thrilled to have them. It made it where I could get outta bed, take care of my children, shop at the grocery store. My depression was a symptom of my life in the moment, but that doesn't mean it magically went away with the meds. Meds do not take away all of your symptoms, just makes them more manageable. If I am too depressing too you; not entertaining enough, please just go away. This is my blog about my crazy world. I don't need your attitude or harshness.

Anymommy: What movie(s) have you watched more than twice? Why? If I love a movie, I can watch it all the time. Favorites include: 13 Going on 30, Mary Poppins, Oceans 11, The Incredibles, Transformers and National Treasure. Why? Because I am a creature of habit. I can enjoy it as much the first time as I do after 25 times.

Jaden: If you could teach yourself something, what would it be? Italian. I have always wanted to learn Italian. I find it to be the most beautiful language. But I am horrible at languages. Flunked out of Spanish and was kicked out of French in High School.

If you could go on a vacation- any vacation- and take one person- BUT it couldn't be your hubby or kids, who would you take and where would you go? I would love to go on a girls trip with some of my lovely bloggy friends. If I win the lottery one day, I will make this happen.

And last... If you were a candy, what would you be and why? Sour jelly beans. Because they are sweet and sour and you are never quite sure which it's going to be.

Maura: If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? A maple. I find them to be gorgeous and always changing. They are my absolute favorite tree. They are big and strong and they are survivors.

Writer's block, I has it

I open up this page and look at it for twenty minutes before just closing it down and thinking to myself maybe later. I open my email and want to respond to people; I open each email and read them and think, I know I should respond to this, but I don't. I open Twitter and can't think of a thing to say. I get text messages from friends that I don't answer. I "lost" my phone yesterday just so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone on it.

I am blocked. I am lost in my head right now. Maybe it's Spring fever, seeing how its freaking snowing. Again. Maybe it's trepidation at the thought of visiting my dad and step-mom this coming weekend. Maybe it's, well who knows. All I know is, I'm just not in the writing mood, nor the talking mood. All my words are used up in talking to my children.

I know, you all say, just don't post when you don't want to and in theory that is great. But BlogHer Ads has a post requirement. Also, if I don't post, I feel worse. The longer I go, the more I wonder if I ever will find my voice again. I know this blog has sucked lately. I know I haven't written anything worthwhile in a month at least. I am thrilled any of you come back at all.

Here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to use the old blogging standby. Ask me any questions you want. Anything you want to know, anything you think I haven't told you. Whatever you want. I'll do my best to answer them in a few days. Maybe this will help me find my voice again.

A question for the class

I find myself in the weird position of needing to use some face moisturizer; for the first time in my life. Don't ask me how I made it to almost 29 years old without ever using (or owning) one, because I just don't know. I think it's the fact that I have never used make-up. Like at all. Also probably because I've until recently had oily skin and I lived in Los Angeles. Now I live in the driest state in the world and I need help.

So Internets, can you help a girl out? What do you use? How often do you use it? Does it make your face oily?

It had to happen eventually, I mean I am a mommy blogger

Poop. Lots and lots of poop. I don't normally discuss poop, at least not on the Internet. Not because I couldn't, but because there are so many other things for me to discuss. Like trips to the ER, with four year olds, who go in with a 105 fever and come out with Pneumonia again. Or my obsession with one sappy country song, that I haven't managed to buy yet, so I have the guys MySpace page open and I just keep listening to it over and over again.

Today though, I need to ask a question about poop. I've never quiet had to deal with so much at the one time. Boy poop? Is much worse than girl poop.

So here's my question: Have any of you ever, after you've trashed a set of sheets, a blankie, an outfit and a teeny bear, after a poop explosion, ever looked at your baby, the baby you cherish and would move the moon for, and wonder if you might could trash him and get a new one? A clean, non-pooping one? Just for a second?

Co-Sleeping. Who me? No, never.

Yeah, that's what I said. It worked out too, because we never once let the girls sleep with us. Never. You think I'm kidding, I'm sure. Oh what about when they are sick, you're thinking. Nope. When they are sick, they sleep in their own beds. If they are scared or very, very sick, they sleep on our floor in a sleeping bag. What? I need my space at night. This is what I always said and I went with it. My girls slept in their cribs from night one.

I've never judged co-sleepers, I'd just never understood it.

Then Harrison was born. I can't tell you how it started exactly, because it wasn't the plan. He does have a very lovely crib in his room. The first night we brought him home, it was kinda cold outside and the wind was coming through the windows, making his room a big chilly. So we brought him to sleep with us. That's pretty much the best I can come up with. He's not spent a single night in his crib. Not one single night. He naps in there though. When he naps that is, as he's not really big on daytime naps. he prefers cat naps. Which in reality is okay, since he sleeps about eleven hours at night. I know, I know. Don't ask me how I managed to do this, because I didn't. I've not put that out there before, for fear of him suddenly not sleeping so long at night. He's been doing it since he was about ten weeks old, except for last week when he was sick and Monday night when he woke up twice for no reason. He doesn't move much, he just sleeps in between us, happy as a clam. Are clams happy? I've never understood that statement, but whatever. He just lightly snores and that is actually a really comforting sound. He's a perfect angel bed buddy.

But we're thinking it's time for him to sleep in the crib, before he gets old enough to fight us about it forever. I don't want a toddler sleeping with me. An infant is one thing, but a moving baby and toddler is another. Also, we've made the decision to go to Hawaii alone, as a couple. To you know, get naked and make more babies....or something like that. So, we have to get him to sleep by himself, in a crib, or my mother will shoot me and then I'll be dead. Which really, I'm not that into. I rather like life.

Tonight is the night. I'm hoping I just put him in his crib and he falls asleep and he stays asleep all night. No idea on the chances of that, but hey, he's pretty freaking easy so far, so it might just work. If not, I have no ideas on how to stop this trend we started. Because I never had this problem before. Any ideas would be welcome. Wish me luck though, because I think I'm going to need it.

What would you do?

There is a small argument going around my house. It's also not being helped by my parents or Logan's parents. As we're getting nowhere, I thought I'd do what any brilliant person with a blog would do; I'd ask the Internets.

Here's the deal: In March, 3/3/09 to be exact, Logan and I will have been married for ten years. We were planning a four day getaway weekend to Hawaii in a few weeks. But now because of the memorial thing for my uncle, which will be right around then, we're going to put it off until April. Which is really okay, because my birthday is in April as well. Now though, we're thinking of going for a week to ten days. Maybe two weeks, who knows?

The argument is about taking the kids. I want to take them all, make a vacation of it. They'll be on Spring Break for part of it and I could care less about them missing a bit more school. We didn't really have a family vacation last year. Logan wants to just take the baby. You should know, if we'd gone like we were supposed to in three weeks, we were most likely going to take Harrison. I mean, dudes only four months. However, by the time we go, around the middle of April, Harrison will be almost six months old. My friends were planning on keeping the girls, when we went next month.

My parents and Logan's parents have other ideas. They want us to fly as a family to LA, spend a day or two with them and then leave all three kids with them for a week or so. They want their grandchildren too themselves, for optimal spoiling. They think we should leave the baby, that we are baby hogs and need to learn to share.

We go back and forth on this, we have all week. We are no close to making a decision than we were a week ago.

So lovely Internets....and might I say, you are looking absolutely fabulous today....what would you do? Bring them, just bring the baby or leave them all in the capable, yet spoiling hands of four grandparents?