Follow Friday, #1 - The Norwidians

Any of you who use Twitter have seen all of the follow Friday tweets. They happen every week. People have tried being all original (Matthew from Childsplayx2 being the best at it.) in their reason for tweeting people, however, most of us (and I include me in this) tend to mention the same people over and over again. I've finally stopped doing it, because I always feel like I am leaving people out.

Just now, while over at My Life With Them, I saw that Ali had done a Follow Friday on her blog. The girl is a genius, so I am going to steal her idea. I miss blogs. I have been so involved in Twitter lately, that I've forgotten how much someones blog can connect you to them. My goal for this year is to go back to blogging.

I can't promise I'll do it every week. but I'm going to try to tell you all about someone whose blog I love, as often as I can remember. Maybe you'll find new people to read.

This week, my Follow Friday is Kirsten from The Norwidians. Have you visited her blog? If you haven't you are missing out. Besides being an amazing writer (truly, the woman puts me to shame some days), she has beautiful kids and she lives in a pink house right now. They are remodeling their house, so it's kinda like watching HGTV, but without the commercials. How can you beat that? Oh and she has a Porta Potty at her real house. Which I'm sorry, is as gross as it is cool.

Kirsten has three gorgeous children, twin seven year old girls and a four year old son. She doesn't like the word squee, but after a weekend with me, I think it'll grow on her. She doesn't like the ocean, which I can't understand but can learn to live with. And? She's crazy enough to think that I was gonna let her drink hotel coffee. Friends don't let friends drink crap coffee.

Here's the real reason you should all follow Kirsten though; she's an amazing friend. I had the joy of meeting her last week and I was not shocked to learn that she is as funny, sweet and caring in real life as she is on her blog. She was part of my personal security team and one of the people who made sure I had a a blast all weekend. I laughed more last weekend than I have in months. I really wished that I lived closer to her so we could hang out often...not just because she swears that she'd make me dinner.

There is sits, mocking me

Yesterday in the mail, I received this little goodie in the mail:



For those of you who have never seen it...most of you I'd guess, it's a book of restaurants in West Los Angeles, whose food gets delivered by LAbite. Good restaurants: Cheesecake Factory, CPK, ChinChins....oh how I miss you ChinChins. LAbite is a service that you call into and order, they call the restaurant, pick it up and deliver it. To your house. In generally 45 minutes to an hour. To your house. Without you having to go out, or make dinner. Or take rowdy, grouchy, whiny toddlers out in public at night. Delivery. *sob*

Do you see the problem though? I haven't lived in LA for two years. I have lived in Denver for two years, where the best you can get is pizza delivery.

I miss LAbite. We used to order from them 3-4 nights a week. Yes, we had problems. That is a whole other post. It was one of the things I missed within the first week of living here. You mean I can't have food delivered? From good restaurants? Any day of the week? Did we move to Mongolia? You are telling me that I have to like buy food and cook and crap? Sheet.

Yesterday I got this in the mail. Is it a sign? Some freaking joke from the food snobs of the world? Two years and I am used to living here. Two years and I have finally stopped crying for LA. Two years and I no longer throw it in my husbands face that he made me move, each time we argue. But I'd kill for LAbite to come here. It's sitting her mocking me. Dam mail. This is why I never get the mail. Because it mocks me.

*This post is not paid for by LAbite. I am just a person who loved never having to cook. A person who still never cooks, but eats a ton more cereal now. The end.

My BlogHer09 experience

When I was a kid I was shy. Not shy like most people claim, the oh yeah I was kinda shy sometimes in groups of people, type of shy. No, I was the hide behind people so I'd not have to meet anyone, shy. The stand directly behind my aunt in my mom's wedding, so no one is looking at me, shy. The vomit on the substitute teacher in first grade, because I didn't think I could just get up and run off, type of shy. The not ask my dad and step-mom to buy me tampons on vacation out of embarrassment and instead spend four days with loads of TP in my underwear, type of shy. The only reason I had friends growing up was because I knew them my entire life. They insulated me in a way. I never needed to make friends, never needed to talk to new people, because I always had five built in best friends. I was outgoing with them, but they were like my siblings almost, for as well as I know them.

A lot of you know I freaked out about going to this conference. I've been blogging off and on since 2005. I didn't go to the 2005, nor 2006 conference because I didn't think I had it in me to be confident in front of people. I read later about how all of my friends had a blast. Honestly, I wasn't even jealous. I was almost relieved. I wasn't online for 2007 and started this blog the week before the 2008 conference.

This year (and this blog), has been different. I am different then I was back then. I wanted to meet all of the people I've become friends with in the past year. I wanted to hug them and tell them how much I adore them, how much I love them for being so supportive, so I signed up. I wondered from that second on if I could do it. I wondered if I would hang out in my room. Hide behind plants, like I said on Twitter. I wondered if I could make myself talk to people I didn't know. I wondered if I could really get up there and read at that keynote.

A week ago today, I decided to email all of the people I knew were going, people who I talk to often and give them my cell number and ask for theirs. It was kind of my way of protecting myself. Of making sure, I'd have people I knew around me.

On Tuesday or Wednesday of last week, I flipped out. You can see that post below if you so choose. I thought in that moment of panic that I couldn't do it. That I'd not get on the plane, that if I did, I'd stay hidden the entire time.

On Thursday when I got to the hotel, I was feeling overwhelmed. I wanted to hide. Instead I did something I never do. I took a deep breath and then I walked up to a group of eight women, who I was assuming were there for the conference (easy to tell by the squee's, sorry Kirsten) and I said, hi, I'm Issa, do I know any of you? Not surprisingly they all said no. I exchanged a few cards, hung out for a few seconds and then moved on.

I did this all weekend. I talked to more people that I could even tell you. I have 48 cards for people, whose sites I have never been too. I have just as many for people who I did know. I went up to people who I've read for years and said, I'd just like to say hi and tell you how much I love your writing.

I texted people and tried my hardest to make sure everyone I did know, was invited to each meal that I left the hotel for. Can't say I succeeded at that, as my phone service was shotty at best. But I tried. I tracked down as many people as I could.

I invited people standing in the lobby, for coffee, as I walked to Starbucks each morning, to come with. I invited people to dinner, who I saw in the lobby as well. I tried my damnedest to attend every party, even if just for a little while.

I spent four days living confence life to the fullest. Enjoying as much as my BlogHer experience as I could. I had a blast. I will never speak for anyone else, but my experience was awesome.

I won't discuss the drama on here, there was some, as there always is and others are more qualified to discuss it. Was there some? Of course. Weirdness? Of course. Hurt feelings? Yes, I know there was. Were their things I saw and heard that bothered me? Yes. But it doesn't matter anymore. I had fun, I enjoyed myself and that, for me, is what mattered.

The BlogHer conference is what you make of it. Me? I made my experience fantastic. I had a blast with my friends, I enjoyed the panels I went to. I am honored to have been a part of the keynote, which you can see each reading HERE. Truly, watch them all when you have time. Some of the most amazing posts ever. I can't even begin to tell you what an amazing experience that was, nor how it felt to have strangers talk to me about it for days. It was awesome.

Now? I must relax, because tomorrow my kids come back from camping and my relaxing will end the second they show up.

Keynote

Hai Internet. I loves you, I misses you. I'm having an absolute blast, but I'm having serious getting on the Internet issues. Like, it's either slower that watching paint dry, or it just won't even connect at all. On the laptop as well as my phone.

Anyway, I have a million things to say, stories to share....all that Jazz. However I wanted to share something with you all.

This HERE is my keynote presentation from Friday afternoon at BlogHer. It's not the one that BlogHer will show/put up at some point, but it is my post. Me, in the flesh, so to speak. The awesome Greis from Amazing Greis posted it on You Tube. Either because she hates me....or cause she loves me. Not sure which. Kidding. She is teh awesome.

That's all the battery power I've got (brain power too) in the moment.

Just wanted you all who know me and wanted to see it, to be able too. Talk to you all later.

Oy before I leave...one more thing. The people who I was on the keynote with were the most AMAZING people in the world. When you get the chance, please watch all of their speeches. They were brilliant and I"m thrilled to have been included on that keynote.

Also mad props and love to Stacey from Anymommy for sending in my post. I can not even begin to thank her enough.

I'm scared

On Thursday morning, I will kiss my husband and babies good-by and get on a plane to Chicago by myself. To go to BlogHer. Something that seemed like a great idea...back in December of last year. On Thursday, I will meet tons of new people that I feel like I know, even though I don't really yet. I will hug as many people as will allow me too. I will drink wine with some of you and try to remember everyone's names.

I will talk more than I ever do. I will be braver than I ever am. I will shower each day. I will wear clothes without baby snot on them. I will do my damnedest to have a blast.

I have not, since having children, been on a plane without someone in my family. Sometimes without kids, sometimes without husband, yes. But alone? No.

I'll spend four days not changing diapers. Not breaking up arguments. Not yelling at the dog to stop barking at the same dang squirrel. I don't have to coax a baby to eat, nor ask my daughters to pick up their clothes off the floor. I won't argue with my husband about the remote control, not push his 6'4" limbs off of me in the middle of the night.

Sounds like a vacation, right?

Thing is, this is my reality. This is my world that I know. Without it, I'm not sure what I know.

I am not brave. I am scared. I am going so far out of my comfort zone. I know I am not alone in this. I know many of you are scared.

But right now? The anxiety has set in and I am terrified.

I'm scared no one will talk to me, or care to know who I am. I'm scared I'll be too tired to go to all the parties. I'm scared that I'll stutter and speed through my keynote reading and no one will understand a word I say. I'm scared that I'll cry, which I hate doing in front of people. Scared that I will freak out at some point and hide in a closet and call my BFF or my mommy. Scared that at some point, I will wish I'd stayed home.

I won't be able to call my husband, because he's going to be camping with my kids and his family in the boondocks. I won't be able to talk to my girls, hug my baby. For four days, I will be alone. Surrounded by people but alone.

I'm scared.

And now for a little Monday random

DUDE! This weekend was insane. Pure insanity. I am so dang tired. I am not sure I planned this out very well. Going non-stop the weekend before that thing we aren't supposed to talk about that happens in Chicago this week, was possibly not smart. Oh well, I've never done things the smart way, why in the world should I start now? Don't answer that.

Lets just go with a little bit of random today, how's that?

-Camping sucks. I don't like it. I did it on Friday night and we all nearly froze to death. I don't like the wild. No sir.

-Driving in the car for three hours each way, with four kids between the ages of 4 and 8 is not all that enjoyable. They try and out talk each other. They have no sense of inside voices. And they have to pee often. In fact my BFF's son is now known as, Pees-a-Lot.

-Tubing rocks. Seriously. There were about 18 of us and we went tubing down the Yampa on Saturday. I'm sore, bruised and sunburned, but I had a blast. The kids loved it. The adults loved it. It's definitely on the list for next year. We loved it so much that we went twice in one day. We didn't end up getting off the river until nearly 6pm.

-We bought tubes, which was dumb, but it was way cheaper. However we had to drive most people to where we were getting into the river and then go back and pick up the tubes. Most of them didn't fit, so we were the crazy people, driving through the town of Steamboat Springs, holding tubes out the window as we drove. Yes, even the drivers. Funny enough we got stopped by a cop on a bicycle but he didn't seem too phased. Just wanted to know how far we were going with them.

-McDonald's people in Steamboat Springs are INSANE. They won't give you your cups until they give you your food. Really? You want all 18 of us standing here in the way? Oh I guess so. Okay fine. Also, they only give you one sauce for chicken nuggets, even if you have a ten piece. My husband being ornery, said well I need more, how much are they? The woman told him 25 cents and he said, okay then, I'll take three dollars worth. She says, um sir, that is an excessive amount of sauce, why do you need that many. He says, that is my own business. Then he makes her count out all of them and he makes a big show of re-counting them. He uses two of them and then hands them out to random strangers in her line before we left. Fun times my friends, fun times.

-Five dollar foot longs at Subway, doesn't exist in a small mountain towns.

-My baby girl is five and it's sad. However, five so far isn't any different than four. Which is surprisingly nice. She had an amazing birthday.

-I dropped my Crackberry at McDonald's on Saturday. It bounced, the ball thingy popped out and then it fell into a spilled coke of the ground. Yeah, the thing is dead. Very, very dead. Just what I wanted to do the week of that one thing in Chicago; replace a year old phone. I went back and forth of the Crackberry/iPhone debate and in the end decided that I'd get a new Crackberry Curve. Mostly because I super heart BB messenger. However in all the dying of the phone and such, I realized I lost most of my numbers, because who in the world bothers to save them on the SIM card? Okay maybe a lot of people do, but not me. Lesson learned. If I had your phone number/BB PIN number, I don't now. Please email it to me. Purty please?

-I just read this over at The Spohrs are Multplying and I am thrilled for Heather and Mike. Also sad for them, because I know this is possibly too soon and more that likely very bitter sweet. But still YAY!!!! I adore you both and I'll be thinking good thoughts your way for baby Binky.

To bug on her fifth birthday

Bailey,

Five years ago today, I sat in a room filled with boy clothes, all of which had cars, dinosaurs and said boy on them in some way. There were classic airplanes painted on the wall and your bedding had them as well. I was sitting on the floor (not smart, just as an FYI, is hard to get back up) folding little tiny blue clothes when I had this funny thought. I'd bet this baby is a girl. It was Saturday the 17th of July and you were due on Monday the 26th. I laughed at the thought of this, because two ultrasounds had said boy. You were going to be our Ian. Ian Nathaniel most likely, although the middle name was still a bit up in the air. The doctor had said, I am so sure, that if I were a betting man, I'd go to Vegas right now. I am 100% sure. Okay, good to know doc. Boy it is.

Never the less, that second of a thought, that you might be a girl, gave me pause for a few minutes. Then I brushed it away and continued folding little blue clothes.

On Sunday, your dad and sister and I went to an all day BBQ party at your Granny's house. We swam in the pool, we ate way too much and in general we had a great day. I think it was about 8:30pm when we finally went home. At 9:22pm, my water broke. I hadn't until that second had a single contraction and was in a bit of shock for a minute. Until the first contraction hit. And then the next one. Then another. One right on top of the other. Your dad picked up your sister, who he had just gotten into bed and basically threw her into the car. He literally told her to buckle her car seat herself as he helped me get into the car. He called our doctor and your granny in two minutes time, telling them both this is happening WAY to fast. We are on our way to the hospital now. Get there, now. Your daddy has a way with words.

The rest is a blur really. It's not something you want to hear about anyway. Lets just say, you were determined to be a Cancer, not a Leo. Had you been born the following day, you'd have been a Leo. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. Also, because I will tell you this when you are my age and having children, you were the one kid that I had, without the joy that is the epidural. Trust me my lovely girl, this is not the way I wanted things to go. But it was too late. By the time we got upstairs and into a room, I was ready to push. This is the other thing I will tell you one day...you were the baby I had to push the longest with. Your sister was a good 16 minutes of pushing, your baby brother a good 30ish minutes of pushing. You? Over an hour. Way over an hour.

You were born at 11:47pm, July 18th, 2004. You were, as you know, a girl. The doctor goes, oh...oh hmmm, after you were born and I started to freak and then he goes, well it's a girl. A perfect little girl. I laughed and laughed that night. I found it to be the most amazing surprise. Also, as you know and love to tell everyone, you were flipping off the ultrasound tech those days. You don't know what it means yet, but you love telling people that.

Tomorrow my beautiful girl, you will be five years old. I am not sure how it happened really. I feel like it was just yesterday that you were this teeny newborn with no name. This tiny girl with a bedroom full of clothes that had to be taken back.

Now you are big. You tie your own shoes. You brush your own hair. You are even close to being able to wash it yourself. In the past two weeks you have learned to ride a bike without training wheels. You write your name on everything. While we are discussing this, stop it. We all know your name. I am tired of it being written on EVERY surface. Thank you.

You are brave, opinionated, stubborn and about the sweetest child I've ever met in my life. A lot of people tell me that you are my mini-me. In some ways, this is true. It's likely the stubborn, opinionated part of you though. Also, the knack for inserting humor into a conversation in the exact moment it is needed. You have a great sense of humor and an even better sense of timing. In a lot of ways though, you are nothing like me. See, you are brave. You try new things. You don't get scared very easily and you have almost none of the anxiety that I have. I hope you are always like this. I don't need you to be my mini-me. You can just be you, that is my greatest wish for you.

You adore your daddy, your siblings and pretty much everyone you meet. But, I am and always have been your favorite. You have a special love for me and me alone. I don't know that I could explain it to you if I tried. I hope it never goes away and then I'll never need to try and explain it to you. You love nothing more that to hold my hand, intertwining our fingers. You love to play with my hair, sit in my lap and generally be all up in my personal space. If you are outside playing, you will come back in every so often and tell me you love me and give me a hug, before going back outside. If I am laying on the couch, you will lay on top of me and say, mama there is a bug on you. Because we have always called you bug. If you are somewhere else for the day, when I come to get you, you always say to me, mama I missed you so much this day. When I lean down to pick you up, you always put your hands on either side of my face and ask, how was your day mama. That's the other thing. Except when you are pissed off at me, you ALWAYS call me mama. When you are mad, you call me mother. Which is very funny. Your sister started calling me mom at two years old. Mama was too babyish in her mind, but not yours. You are a mama's girl all the way.

Four has been an interesting year for you and I. Filled with attitude, tantrums and a bit more attitude. Did I mention the attitude? We've definitely had our moments where I wasn't sure you'd survive to see five years old. You have tested every limit and then tested them again, to make sure the limit hadn't been changed. But here we sit. Tomorrow you will be five.

Five means big things according to you. Kindergarten, which you are both thrilled for and scared of equally. The new found privilege of riding your bike up and down the street with your sister, instead of just four houses down and back. (Which really has more to do with the no training wheels thing, but I won't tell you that yet.) The ability to hold up your whole hand when people ask you how old you are. And the knowledge that you will learn to read very soon. Very important things dear heart.

Just remember that being little isn't so bad. Try to make five last for me, okay? I am not ready for you to be so big yet. I know there's not a darn thing I can do about it, except accept it. But? I am still hoping that you'll stay my little girl for a bit longer.

I adore you my girl. Happy fifth birthday.

Love Mama

Blogiversary

Today is my one year blogiversary! Party time!!! Or well it would be if I wasn't sick. Rain check? Today none of you would want to party with me, trust me on this. My only consolation is that I'm sick this week and not next. Because, sick at BlogHer is not on my list of things to do. Also, my kids are currently residing at an Aunties house, most likely being force fed cupcakes for breakfast, until I am feeling better.

Technically my first post went up on two days after I started this blog, so it doesn't look like today would be my blogiversary. But it is. I know because I wrote it down. Mostly this is because it took me two days after starting this site to decide if I was crazy for doing this again. Or crazy enough to do it again. One of those. Maybe both.

I am excited I made it an entire year honestly. This has been a rough year and there have been many times when I've questioned why I do this. Why I put myself out there to be judged? Because trust me, I have been. Many times in fact. Both publicly and privately.

In the past week, I have again wondered why I do this. Considered taking it all down after the conference. Maybe it's just part of my personality, maybe it's the depression talking, who knows? Then I read my comments and I remember why I do this. I do this, because you all are the most amazing people, no make that the most amazing friends a chick could ever hope for. When I'm having a crappy day, or am depressed, I read old comments. They never fail to make me feel better. You all have held my hand, listened to me cry and cheered me on when I didn't think I could make it. You have helped me make it through one of the hardest years of my life.

I write for me, but I blog for all of you. Next week I get to go meet a ton of you. I'm thrilled about this. I wish all of you could be there. But either way, I adore each of you who comment here. You have no idea what you've done for me this year. I luvs you all.

So yeah, happy blogiversary to me. Here's to many more.

1 year of blogging, 1 new baby, 224 posts written, countless amazing friends made - Priceless

I'll take a little random with my random, please

If I don't start writing, I may just stop altogether. I've tried to come up with something to say for nearly a week now. I have nothing.

But this blog and I are good at this. The being inseparable when I have much to say, the separation and nothing-ness when I have nothing. It comes and goes.

I think the best I can do is try for a little bit of randomness. See where that goes.

-The sixth Harry Potter movie is coming out next weekend. In this house we are huge, no make that HUGE Harry Potter fans. We own all of the movies and are currently reading book three to the girls at night. We will be watching a movie a night this week and then I think we will see the new movie at some point on Sunday. We were going to go Friday night, but instead I think we are going to camp with family Friday night and go tubing on Saturday.

-Bailey is going to be five *sob* on Saturday and she really wants to do this tubing thing. She heard some cousins talking about it and she thinks it sounds like a blast. I am just happy I don't have to deal with Chuck E' Cheese (Parental Hell), which was her first idea. Tubing on Saturday, Harry Potter 6 and Cold Stone Ice Cream cake Sunday. Sounds like a good birthday to me.

-I managed to get all of the girls school supplies purchased yesterday. Seems awfully early to be doing it, but school starts the 14th of August (squeeeee) and Morgan is very particular about what she gets. Clothes will wait until the last week prior, because I am incapable of not letting them wear them. If I wait and buy them, the week before or a few days before, they won't ask everyday to wear them. I've learned.

-I am emotional, very emotional in fact about Bailey turning five this week. Five seems so old. Kindergarten in a month seems so insane. Where did my tiny baby bruiser go?

-I am sick to death of my husband working 14 hour days all of the time. I am sick of him reminding me that when the girls were little, I did the same thing, while he took care of them. I think it sucks being a single parent, when you are MARRIED.

-I am tired. Tired of arguing with my daughters about which toys can't be left on the floor. I am in a throw it away mood and I'm likely to start tossing anything the baby gets a hold of, if they keep it up. Tired of coming up with meal ideas. Tired of grocery shopping. Tired of laundry. But mostly, I am just tired.

And that's all she wrote.


Oh wait, one more thing. If you are going to BlogHer, will you let me know in the comments here. Just wave or something. I am trying to make a mental list of people I want to meet and anyone who visits here is on the top of that list.

This is where I start to get uncomfortable

I'm at the park with the kids yesterday afternoon and while the girls are taking turns pushing the baby in the swing, I decide to check in on Twitter. Yes, I am that person. The woman with her Crackberry permanently attached to her hand. Anyway, I'm reading tweets and something someone had said cracked me up and I laughed out loud.

Twitter or Facebook, this woman near me asks. I turn and notice this woman, who I hadn't even realized had sat down. Twitter I said, without thinking. But I use Facebook too.

Oh what's your Twitter name? I can follow you.

Uh, it's protected I said. We're from California and I use it to keep in touch with friends out there. Oh, okay was her answer. Then Harrison called out to me and I got up and walked away.

I lied. To a random stranger. She looked nice. She had kids. She was at the park in my neighborhood. I still lied to her.

Why?

Well that is a hard one. I am going to be dead honest here. I don't ever intend on telling my family or friends about this blog. (Yes my husband knows, but he wishes he didn't. He probably wishes what I said to her were true, that you all were old friends from California.) I don't use Facebook for realz. I mean, yes I have one. But not one that my family could find. Twitter? well the same thing there, although a few people know that I use it, but none of them seem interested in it at all. People like my mother for example could care less what Twitter is, although I have explained it to her.

I can't make friends with people in my area through blogging or Twitter and think I can keep it quiet. Or separate. My children have the biggest mouths in the world. I don't fault her at all, but Morgan is the one who mentioned my previous blog to my aunt, which caused HUGE family drama, because I was too open, too honest and she still won't speak to me.

My blog life, my online life, is separate from my life in many, many ways. I tried it the other way and it blew up in my face. People, my own step-mother won't speak to me because of it. Unless I am standing in front of her, I don't exist. My own father won't talk to me more than once a month because of it. (Well that and they are both asses.) Iit's been a few years. I don't have much family on that side and almost none of them really speak to me anymore because of the secrets they believe I shared with the world. They aren't wrong, I did. I said things I shouldn't have, because I believed I was safe. But hi, when you use your children's real names and they are not very common names, you are easy to find.

This is me. This space is my place to be me. I don't lie here. I've told you all straight out that my family and blog life are separate. This is where I can be brutally honest. More honest and open than I am in real life, I'll tell you that right now. This is where I say, I am struggling right now to maintain. I am struggling with my depression right now. I am unhappy right now. I am sad. My heart hurts.

I can say this all here and much more, because this is my space. My space to be me, without repercussions from my friends and family. Logan does not read this blog. He has asked that I not discuss his personal life too much, but I could and he wouldn't even know it. He has left this as my deal.

But now I'm going to a conference. A conference with what like 1000 other bloggers? I am starting to wonder why I am doing this. Why I want to meet you all as much as I do, when I will come home and pretend I was elsewhere. Until the Keynote thing, I thought it would be okay. I can remain anonymous if I am 1 of a 1000. It's harder to remain anonymous when you are on a keynote with 15 other bloggers. I don't have the answers. I am going to go to the conference, read my post and have a blast. But I don't know what happens when I get back and it scares me.

Is that okay? Does it bother you guys? Are you okay with me, the me you know here, if you know I will most likely never introduce you to my husband, children or friends? Is it okay that this is my thing? My one place in my life, where it's just about me? Will you still be my friends despite the fact that I'd lie to a random stranger about being on Twitter, because it keeps the peace in my life?

The lines are blurry. I've let them get blurry, because I consider you guys my friends. True, real, friends. No question about that. But the blurriness scares me.

What I wouldn't give for a full nights sleep

I have never been a um well...sleeper. Good isn't even a word I'd use in the same sentence as sleep. Not as it pertains to me at least. These days, I am getting very little sleep. I would love to blame it all on Harrison, since he isn't sleeping that much either, especially this week as he's been sick, but it's not just him.

Besides I've been there with the teething baby thing twice before. One day, they all learn to sleep. One day they stop waking up at night wanting to be cuddled by mama only. That day comes sooner than most people think and in the moment, I don't mind the quiet moments in the middle of the night with him. He is a ball of movement in the day time, trying to get anything in the house he shouldn't have, trying to chase down his sisters or the dog. At night, he is that tiny boy baby again. The one who wants nothing more than to cuddle up to me, lay with his face in my neck, breathing warm baby breath on me.

Oh heck, where was I? Ah, yes, so Harrison is not the source of my not sleeping, or at least not all of it. I have trouble falling asleep, i always have. Can't tell you why, I've never known, I've just always had trouble falling asleep. It's genetic, this I know. My mom has and my grandpa had this same problem.

So i lay there at night and eventually manage to turn my brain off and fall asleep. Sometimes it takes an hour, sometimes three, depends on the night. Then the boy wakes up, sometimes once, lately like three times a night. Since Logan has to get up and go to work early in the morning, the late night stuff is left to me.

To be fair, Harrison is in a total mama phase right now. The times when Logan has gone in at night, Harrison just screams bloody murder and tries to beat his daddy up, till I eventually go in and rescue him from the horribleness that is someone besides me .

for some reason, when i go back to bed after Harrison does, I am very able to go back to bed. Till the nightmares start. I try to not watch anything scary right before I go to bed. I'm not even talking scary movies, because I never watch those. More like the CSI, Saving Grace, anything good type of TV shows. We record Whose Line Is IT Anyway, Two and a Half Men and The Big Bang Theory and before I go to bed, I always try and watch one of those.

It works some night and not others. Of course it does nothing for the BlogHer nightmares.

I'm not sure why I have nightmares. I have periodically throughout my life. Mostly though it had to do with something I watched on TV. When I was eight, I saw the Bad Seed on TV somehow by accident and I didn't sleep for a week. At twelve, I saw a made for TV movie about a family with three hemophiliac boys, one of whom died of AID's. Even though I knew an amazing man (my brother's godfather) who died of AID's before that time, the thought of a little boy dying gave me nightmares.

Right now, it's every night. It's gotten old actually. I need some sleep. I'd kill for a good night's sleep right now. I've even gone so far as to consider getting a hotel room for a night this weekend, just for me and Logan and seeing if his Aunt would keep all the kids, just so I could sleep for a night.

Can I buy sleep? Anyone know? Does Amazon carry that?

ps. Yes, I've tried every, single homeopathic type of thing known to man. No need to ask, because the answer will be, yes I have and no it doesn't do a dam thing. Yes, I do have sleeping pills which I take most nights. Still, I am in a non-sleeping phase. There will at some point come a sleeping better phase, as there always does. Here's hoping it comes soon.

Hi, I'm Issa. Wanna know how weird I am?

Undomestic Diva, Marinka and Anymommy have all posted in the last few weeks different versions of things we should know about them before BlogHer. Basically what I learned from their lists is, they are all way cooler than me. However, it has made me start to think about the things you should all possibly know about me.

Seeing as how I've already started having nightmares about BlogHer, I might as well get it all out in the open. Then at least you will all be pre-warned.

First of all, hi, I'm Issa. *waves* I know you all know that, but what people always ask is, how do I pronounce Issa. Well see my name is actually Melissa. Which I will totally answer too. So Issa is a nick name for Melissa, because my best friend James, couldn't say Melissa when we were toddlers. Issa is Melissa without the Mel. (Try and call me Mel and you die. Am not kidding. I don't find it funny and I DESPISE it. Try it more than once and I will most likely not speak to you any more.) There is no E sound in Issa. Basically think of it this way, it's Lissa without the L. Got it? Please, don't worry about screwing it up. Because honestly, I am probably going to look at you and go, and your Twitter/Blog Name is what again? Just ask, I promise I don't bite and I'll say Issa for you.

Now that we got that out of the way.....

1. I won't know any of you, unless you walk around with a picture of your Twitter avatar and your Twitter name attached to your head. Please help me out with your name, okay? I promise I want to meet everyone, so if you see me, hear my name, whatever, please come and say hi.

2. I am not a friendly person in the AM, until I've had coffee. I will make sure I find a Starbucks, this isn't a concern of mine. I can smell any Starbucks in a three mile radius. But you have been warned.

3. I do not drink much at all. I am a big talker when it comes to drinking. A glass of wine is more than enough for me. When I say I've had a lot to drink on twitter, it means I've had two glasses. However, once I've had a drink, I am much more calm in social situations. Like, hai, I can talk to you now. Cause I iz drunk.

4. My hair is not awesome, I may or may not re-color it before the conference, so you may see some grays. I don't have brand new clothes and my purse is four years old. But? I smell nice and my toes will be pretty. I'm just not that girly enough to worry about the rest of it. So rest assured, the rest of you who will be wearing tank tops and capri's, you will fit in with me.

5. I don't talk about politics or religion. It's not that I don't have opinions, because believe me I do. But I like to keep the peace, so I tend to steer very far away from these subjects.

6. I am not a huge talker until I feel comfortable around you and then I never shut up.

7. I truly am scared shit less about this Keynote thing. Even more so, since I realized they RECORD it. Like with a camera, so the whole world can see it later. I know some of you don't want to hear about it anymore. I got picked, you didn't. And for that, I'm sorry. But I is skerred. Unless Matthew really wears a G-String in the audience like he promised me on Saturday night, I may be nervous until the dam thing is over. Excited and honored, but nervous.

8. I don't like Peas. Or mushrooms. Or eggplant. Or curry.

9. I play confident on the Internet. I appear to be much more confident in real life than I really am. Much saner, much more easy going. This is a good thing in some ways and in other ways it is an albatross. Because when I come home and say, I was a complete spaz, I was scared of everything and I'm pretty sure I offended twelve people, you will all think I am insane. Issa appears saner in person than she really is. Maybe that should be my new tagline. If you don't believe me, ask Maura and Insta-mom. They've met me.

10. I say dude as often in real life as I type it. I say seriously more often than I type it. I possibly need to learn some new words.

11. I will yawn the whole time I am there. It's not you and let me apologize in advance for yawning mid-sentence. I don't sleep well in general and I won't sleep well there, because I won't be at home. It's just how it is.

12. I have a ton of people I want to meet. Some who I've "known" for years. I have no pre-conceived notions that I will get to do more than say hi to most of them. But I really hope I can say hi. I have tons of you who I want to hang out with. I hope to god I can remember who all of you are and that I don't hide in a closet for too long and we get to hang out. One thing I've seen from previous years is, BlogHer is what you make of it. I? Plan to have a blast.


To those of you not going, I know this gets tiring, hearing about BlogHer all the time. Trust me, I've been you. For years in fact, since the 2006 conference where everyone I knew went. Just remember in a few weeks it will all be over. Also, I will still adore you all after the conference. I promise. Also, I'll miss you all. Swearz.

Not complaining

Last night I wrote a post where I basically complained about everything. It felt kind of nice to write it down. Get it out, if that makes any sense. Although this morning, I'm glad I didn't post it. Not because you guys can't handle it, not because I didn't need to complain about petty nonsense last night, but mostly because this blog has become so depressing that I'm just thinking that it would have made it worse.

I'm trying. Trying to get it together. Trying to not be so pessimistic all the time. Trying to not be depressed. Trying to not be this complainy (yes, is word), whiney, pain in the ass that I have become lately.

It's not really working for me so well. But at least I'm working on it.

Instead of whining about things that really don't matter outside of my head, I thought I'd give positivity a try. See how it works for me today. No guarantees on tomorrow, but it's worth a shot today.

I love the 4th of July weekend. My husband won't be working for three whole days. (Truly, I am forgetting what the man looks like, he works so much these days.) We have BBQ's to go too, swimming to do and tons of great food to eat. I adore fireworks, now that Bailey has stopped being terrified of them.

I found the business cards I am going to get for BlogHer. They are cute and I loves them.

My excitement of BlogHer is starting to out way my fear of it.

Harrison is cute and fun and the best baby I could ever hope to have. Nine months, really is a fun, if not a bit exhausting age. Although his idea of morning being 5am, needs a bit of work.

Bailey is almost five and while it makes me sad, I see the big girl she is becoming and it's awesome. She's awesome. The funniest, most honest baby girl I could ever hope to have.

Morgan has decided that she likes clean clothes enough to help me with laundry. Have I told you she's my favorite today? She is. At least in this moment, when she's being so dam helpful. Seven is an awesome age.

I love the Internet. Well I love you guys. Yes there are haters, trolls and asshats. But real life has them too. But you guys keep me entertained on a daily basis and I adore each of you for it.

Oh one more thing, my friend, the lovely Anymommy, had a beautiful baby boy on Sunday. Nathaniel. He's big and squishy and absolutely adorable. He has red hair!!! Squee. Please go and congratulate her.

So, how'd I do? LOL. Don't need to answer that. Is okay.