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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Uncertainty

Some days I wonder why I keep doing this. Why in the world do I continue to write in this space when it seems like no one reads it and I can't see why it's interesting enough for anyone to care. My days of this feeling tend to pass and they don't come that often. Mostly it has to do with my mood in the moment, which frankly sucks right now. I am in a funk, have been for two days at least. Plain and simple, I am just a bit of a mess.

It makes me question everything. Question things that I know to be true. Question who I am and what in the hell I am doing with my life. I wonder if I am putting too much out into the world, too little maybe; is this blog not worthwhile, because I refuse to put pictures of my children on it? Because I don't join everything there is to join, to get my name out there? Do I want my name out there? Too many questions and no answers. I am full of uncertainty today.

Then this morning, two things happened, which have changed my mood a bit. A lovely friend asked me if she could submit a post of mine to BlogHer for a community panel. I was shocked. I was thrilled. Frankly, I'm a bit terrified. But it made me think about this place and what I write here, what I share with you all.

I also read the most beautiful letter over at AMomTwoBoy's place. It made me realize why I do this. I do it for all of you, this community that I am a part of. This community had joined together these past few weeks. In the face of tragedy for a family, we've all tried to make a difference. I've seen more love and support in the blog world in the past month, than I have seen in the past few years. Two weeks without trolls, two weeks without arguments, two weeks filled with love and grief. Love for Heather and Mike, for Maddie and for each other. Grief at the loss of a beautiful angel, grief for her parents left behind; grief at the uncertainty that is life.

This is a small part of the email at Meghan's place, which please when you have a second, go read it in full. It is very moving.

Through that reading, I’ve quietly (except when I comment) gotten to know so many… strangers. People that for the most part have no clue that I’m reading and getting to know them, but these people are an important part of my day, my thoughts, my values and ultimately – my life.

Today I needed to see this letter. To remind myself why I continue to do this. I do it for all of you. For people who are, to an outsiders point of view, strangers. To us though, it's not like that. We are friends, family, community. This community is a huge part of my life. For every friend I've met (or well, will meet), for every blog I read, for those of you who comment and those who never do; I consider you my friends.

Today, instead of doubt, I will remember how important this space is to me. I will remind myself why I do this. Remind myself that I am okay, that my family is okay and that is worth it's weight in gold. I will try my hardest to not be the complete spaz who considers taking down a blog for absolutely no reason.

10 comments:

Jaden Paige said...

Please don't leave us! No matter how boring YOU think your posts might be, there are those of us *ahem* who like to read them :)

This community has really come together and blown my mind in the past month or two. I am with you in thinking that this has come to mean more than me than I ever thought it could.

Maura said...

I agree with Jaden Paige, there are people who like to read them here! Like me, you don't get enough comments sometimes to give us the validation that sometimes we really need.

But when people who would otherwise be strangers pull together the way we've seen over the last weeks, it reminds us that there's basically good out there and sometimes we just need a different lens with which to see it.

Hang in there!

Kay said...

Ok, your uncertainty of whether or not your writing has value has FORCED me out of lurkdom to comment. Which I totally suck at, btw... because what could I possibly have to say that makes a difference to you? So I say nothing... and then pout when no one comments on MY blog. I'm supposed to be intelligent... you'd think I'd have figured out the correlation there, but no.
My point? I purged my reader this weekend, by about 45% - went from over 200 blogs down to just over 120. And I'm still reading yours... not that you have any idea who I am or anything like that... but your blog DOES do something, even though some of us don't bother to comment and let you know. I keep promising to change that, and then don't. I'll keep reading as long as you keep writing here :)

anymommy said...

Your commenters are awesome. I agree with them, of course. You have a compelling, human, individual space here, where your voice shines. Take a break, if you need one, but don't ever throw it away.

Kari said...

I'm glad that you are not going to give up your blog, because you are one of the people I was talking about in my recent post - who I am so thankful for. People who hold me up, just when I need it. I hope I can do the same for you.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

You will never know all that read your blog and find it touches them. I try to remember that whenever I feel a bit lost about the "why's" of blogging.

Kirsten said...

Sometimes it's scary to share a piece of yourself with the world at large. It is most certainly worth it though.

wheelsonthebus said...

i'm reading :)

iMommy said...

I would miss you if you left :( But, of course, we all do what we must for ourselves and our families.

I sure do hope you keep blogging, though! I have nearly 100 blogs that I subscribe to, but I always make sure I get around to reading every single one of your posts... and try to comment on all of them :)

If you enjoy putting your words out here, keep on doing it. We'll be here to read it. And if you want to branch out and network and promote your blog, go ahead, or don't! This is your space.

Love you much, Issa. I consider you a friend, too. I hope you always remember that.

EatPlayLove said...

I feel and have felt very similarly, lately and sometimes over and over again. I adore your blog, don't go!