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Monday, August 3, 2009

Today is just not my day

I've had a few good weeks. Weeks without depression, weeks without tears. Weeks where getting out of bed was easy. Weeks where I didn't have to try to feel okay, it came naturally. (Or as naturally as it will ever come, when I'm on medication.)

I've felt it creeping back, that fuckhead depression. Didn't miss it. It could have stayed gone for ever, as far as I was concerned. I hoped it would. But no, it doesn't seem to listen very well. It's very inconsiderate like that.

I could blame it on the letdown of being back at home after a fun filled week. I could blame it on my baby girl going to kindergarten soon. I could probably blame it on the two year anniversary of losing a piece my heart and a bit of my mind.

But it's not really any of that. Mostly it's just today.

Today is one of those days. A day where getting out of bed took too much effort. A day where I don't care if I speak to anyone at all. A day where I am glad that my kids are with a cousin, because I don't have it in me to deal with them. If they were here, I'd deal. No question about it. But they're not today, so I'm allowed to just deal with myself. I don't have to pretend.

I keep hoping one day that this will all go away. That I can go back to being the girl who I used to be. The girl with no real problems, who'd experienced heartache, but not at the level in which I have now.

I don't think she exists anymore though.

I've opened twitter about ten times, but I haven't said a thing. I have read what others have written, but not found anything to respond too. I try, because I think if I can start a conversation about nothing, maybe I will start to feel better. But I don't.

I want to tell you how funny my girls are. How big Harrison is getting. About my SIL's wedding next week. I'd rather be telling you how much I miss my conference peeps. How lonely it feels to go and get coffee alone every morning. But I just can't today.

Today sucks. Today I just want to hide. Today, I may just hide. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

19 comments:

Susan said...

As "they" say,tomorrow IS another day." And chances are, it will be much better. Hang in there!

cindy w said...

Oh sweet girl. I'm so sorry. Hope the black clouds pass quickly.

Becky said...

((HUGS)) that's all i know to say right now.

mommygeekology said...

((hugs)) You can hide, today -- as long as you come out tomorrow. Or the next day. Sending love your way, darlin. I miss you, and I wish I could squeeze all your hurt away.

Marinka said...

I hope tomorrow is better, too. I've had some sucky todays. Hang in there!

Kay said...

I barely have it in me to comment, because... well, today's not my day (week) either.
But, being in the same place mentally, I felt like I had to say something.
It'll get better, or so I've been told.

alissasanderson said...

I'm sorry. I hope tomorrow IS a better day for you.

Strangely, the way you describe your feelings is exactly how I would describe the way I often feel, except I've never used the word "depression". Perhaps I should? Perhaps then I could get better?

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I truly wish I didn't understand how you're feeling. I wish I could figure out this whole hormone/depression thing. It sucks. Sometimes, all you CAN do is hide under the covers.

I hope tomorrow and the rest of the days following are good ones. Hang in there.

Sara @heartmychloe said...

i heart you and i know it will get better.

p.s. i'll be your shrink anytime ;]

<3

Heather said...

(((hugs)))) I have had those days & they truly suck.

YOu know I am there for you chica!

xoxo

EatPlayLove said...

Hoping tomorrow is better, much better.

Kirsten said...

Hope you are starting to feel better. I've been a little down this week too and I can't figure out why. I wish we could get coffee together and chat until we felt better. :-)

Bridget said...

Tonight's the first time I've been on Twitter since Chicago.

Can you have "BlogHer Blues" like post-partum "baby blues"? 'cause that's kinda what it feels like...

SUEB0B said...

A big hug for you.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I hope today is better! {{{hugs}}}

The Grown Up Teenager said...

Even when you're hiding, we're all here for you. *hugs*

Amazing Greis said...

You are allowed to have those days and you shouldn't have to feel bad about it. We all go through them and we grow through them. Take some time for yourself, rest up and get to feeling better.

I miss my fun weekend in Chicago too. Can we all just go back? We should plan a weekend get together somewhere. :)

XOXO

butwhymommy said...

Hugs sweetie. I'll be right over for coffee (well you know I would if I could). Unfortunately I know too well how you are feeling and maybe someday I'll be brave enough to do something about it. I hope you are feeling better.

anymommy said...

Big wet sloppy kiss. (You already got hugs, I figured you need something different.) Seriously, I'm sorry, these days aren't easy. I see you on twitter today, so I hope you are doing better.