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Thursday, July 24, 2008

14 weeks

In the grand scheme of life, fourteen weeks isn't really that long. Half a season of a TV show, a season of kiddy soccer, the time it took me to write thank you cards after my wedding. At the end of my life, most of those things won't matter. Most likely, I won't remember them. But last year a certain fourteen weeks changed my life forever. Because last summer, exactly a year ago tomorrow (I write tonight, not knowing if I will get out of bed tomorrow, I have been avoiding thinking all day and I know it's about to come crashing over me), I lost a baby. My baby. I was fourteen weeks pregnant when I miscarried.

It was a perfect pregnancy, in a way that is only talked about in celebrity magazines and by people lying their asses off. Maybe that should have been a clue on what would come. No morning sickness, no fatigue, no grouchiness, not even sore boobs. We'd talked for years about having more kids, (since Bailey was born in fact, as she was a perfect baby) we've always argued between having four or six. Me saying four, him thinking six, which is a subject that I won't even touch. But the timing hadn't been right and we just kept putting it off. Morgan was a difficult child; still is in some ways, but as time has gone by and she's matured, she's gotten easier. It just seemed like a good time to start trying. So last spring we stopped being careful. I know the exact day I got pregnant, my birthday. I know because that's the first time I said, ok, no condom. (I'd stopped taking my pills a month or so before.)

We were beyond thrilled. The kids were ecstatic, our parents were over joyed since we seem to be the only ones who are going to give them grandchildren and they adore being grandparents. All was right in the world.

We moved and things went okay; it was stressful, but no big problems. One day I was on a step stool hanging up pictures and I remember nothing after that, except that I was in the hospital. And she was gone. I'd lost my baby. I know that the baby was a girl, not because some doctor told me, I just knew. Just intuition or what have you.

There is no reason, no trauma, no illness. They don't even know why I passed out. One D&C later and I was sent home. Home with my heart shattered in a million pieces. Home, where the first thing I did was go to the fridge to get water and saw the ultrasound picture on the front. The one the disposal got to eat. I know it's not my fault or Logan's, nor the move to Colorado, but I blamed us both. I hated the world and everyone in it for awhile. Hated the people with babies. Hated the sun for shining and the dog for barking and just about everything. I lost my shit. I big time lost my shit. I'm still putting the pieces back together.

I'm not ready to talk about falling apart. I did it and I did it well, I might add. But I'm just not ready to share any of that here. Not yet....I will need to talk about it one day. But I'm having a hard enough time writing this. The urge to fold down into myself is huge sometimes and I'm still fighting the urge to do so, daily. I've spent all day trying to be funny and in a great mood, but it was all false. A ruse, to try and trick everyone with; mostly myself. But I can't let this day go by without saying something, because I owe it to her. I owe it to me too. Fourteen weeks is not a long time, but for those fourteen weeks, I was in love with her. Piper Isabelle, that was going to be her name. I can't change what happened, but I do know I can't forget. As painful as it still is, I don't want to forget. She was a part of me and I'm not willing to forget.

People said things in trying to be helpful, things that hurt. I don't need to go there yet either. Some days I have trouble forgetting them. Today is one of those days.

Fourteen weeks was a lifetime for her and I. Our lifetime together and I'll always remember her.

Now I'm pregnant again, this time by complete accident. I just wasn't paying attention, missing pills for days on end and yeah....he's due September 15th. I am happy, I am looking forward to this baby, but I am scared shitless. For a long time I was scared that something would happen to him, that I'd lose him too. The other day Logan said that even if born today, the baby would most likely make it. Didn't go over to well and he's just lucky that I have bad aim. He just wants me to be okay, to be as happy as he is. It killed him what happened, but it kills him more to see me not happy. To know that my fear has taken over my joy about our baby.

I tried not to get too attached to this baby. I told myself that I wasn't as attached to this pregnancy as I was the others. I wanted this baby. I WANT this baby, but I've been telling myself that holding him at a distance, will protect me from myself. But it's not true. (It took me reading THIS over at Chicken and Cheese for me to know this for an undeniable fact. Read it, it's so powerful. It can all be gone in an instant and I'm beyond thrilled that her tiny baby is going to be okay. But for me, it made all the sense in the world. I almost feel like reading that has shocked me awake in a sense.) I'm, if it's possible, more attached to this baby than the other pregnancies. Because now I know what can happen, I know what's at stake. He has my whole heart, my tiny boy, I love him more than I knew possible. Because of everything that's happened, I am so looking forward to meet him, to hold him, to tell him that I've always wanted him. Because in reality, I have, I just wasn't as aware of how strong it was until just now. I just need him to be okay, to be healthy, to make it. He has to make it.

I haven't been willing to name him, because of my fear of losing him. Now, I know I have to name him, to prove to myself that I have faith. This will be a hard thing, but I'm going to do it. It's time to start putting him before my fear of losing him.

Fourteen weeks changed who I am and who I'll be for the rest of my life. Fourteen weeks may not be long to some, but for me, it was a lifetime.

15 comments:

alissasanderson said...

((hugs))

Stay strong. Take care of yourself and your family. The rest will work itself out.

I'm here if you need me...tomorrow or anytime.

Mrs. Chicken said...

wishing I could reach out to you and hold your hand in mine. we'll be OK, all of us. we have to be.

Childsplayx2 said...

Oh, I wish I could give you a hug. Hang in there.

Kristin said...

I understand... more than you know.

xx

Daniella said...

Came over from Kristin's - I am sorry is all I can say. I have been there and no all to well of the pain and the fear you speak about. I too was 14 weeks - I went on to have my son (now 8) and not one minute of his pregnancy did I enjoy because of my fear. Hang in there - sending hugs and nothing but good thoughts to you.
Daniella
waiting for our daughter in China
www.uskeepingitsimple.blogspot.com

Amy Y said...

I'm here from Kristin's, too. I'm sorry for your loss but happy that you found your heart in your new baby coming very soon! I haven't experienced what you have but I'm a surrogate mother so I've heard so many stories... and each one breaks my heart.

Ms Blue said...

There are no right words. I do hope you find a way to heal your heart and that your son arrives perfectly in September.

Tori said...

Issa

Came from Kristin's too.

Thinking of you! Isn't being a mother the hardest bloody thing you've ever done! Exhausting!

Stay well...

Tori

Grim Reality Girl said...

Praying for you and baby boy. I get it. I'm so sorry for the past and so hopeful for the future. Wishing you more blessing than you can count.

Chrissie said...

I, too, came over from Kristen's blog and felt the need to just say thinking of you.

Good luck with baby boy!

Lara said...

damn, lady. i'm all sorts of emotional over here now. you are brave, and i'm glad you reached out to say hi to me so that i could see that. thanks.

slackermommy said...

Hi, here from Kristen's place.

I'm so sorry for your loss and totally get everything you've written because I've been there. I lost my second pregnancy at 12 weeks and it sucked big time. I got weird for awhile. Getting pregnant again helped because I had convinced myself that I would never carry another baby to term. I did and went on to have 3 more children but that fear of losing them stayed strong. The loss of my baby helped me realize what is really important in life and helped keep things in perspective. I'm so thankful for my four miracles but I will always miss the baby I never got to meet.

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

So much pain and sorrow, and the only balm, I think, is time. My mother passed away 12 weeks ago today, and a friend told me right after she died that losing someone you love leaves a hole in your heart, and that hole is always there. But the edges around the hole heal, and become less raw as time goes by. So the hole will always be there, a testament to the love you felt for Piper. The absence of her in your life will always be felt, but someday it won't hurt as much as it does right now.

My thoughts are with you...I hope your baby boy will be healthy and strong, and give you much love and joy.

Becky said...

thank you for posting this. my heart breaks for you...piper will always be with you. beatifully written and i pray you continue to heal

J from Ireland said...

Thats just awful Issa, you poor thing. It was a lifetime, her lifetime. Thoughts and prayers to you.
Just reading your blog from the begining, getting to know you. This lovely person who is honest and a talented writer and who finds the joy and pain in parenting. cheers.