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Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Random thoughts #2: Ignorning the elephant in the room

I'm going to ignore the elephant in the room today. Maybe, hopefully, god willing that will make said elephant show up. I am a bit of a wreck today; I just want to stay in bed and cry. Not for any real reason, just because. So, instead of that I'm going to talk about random things that swim in my head at 2am.

  • My grandparents are dying. I've done this before, with my dad's parents, but it doesn't make it any easier. My grandmother is pretty much on her death bed (that asshat cancer) and I know she's extremely close to passing. My mom thought she was dying on Saturday and sat with her for hours and then she woke up. I've seen her numerous times in the last year and honestly I don't want to see her the way she is anymore. I want my memories of her to be ones where she was conscious and up trying to force feed people, not sleeping in a chair with the morphine drool. I've said everything I could possibly say to her and I continue to call and talk to her and say it all again. I've made my peace with her leaving. She's in pain and I don't want her to live this way anymore. What kills me, is I'm possibly going to miss her funeral. I want to be there, I want to pay my last respects to a woman I adore. Unless this baby is born soon, like in the next few days, I'm likely going to miss it and then I still might. The living come first, this I know. However if there's anyway possible for me to go, I will.
  • I'm going to say this and I know someone will think, oh what an asshole Issa is. But here it is; my mom is going to miss the birth and I don't want her too. As much as I wish I could be at the funeral of my Grandma, I also wish she'd pass so my mom could be here, with me instead. I know this is horrible, I do, but it's how I feel. Third kid, we can totally handle it, no problem; but I still want her to be here. It makes me so fucking sad that she may not see him until he's weeks old.
  • My mother-in-law is on her way here right now. She's awesome and I can't wait for her to get here. She'll stay for two weeks, just to help out. I always hear people talk about how horrendous their MIL's are and I'm so glad mine isn't.
  • I've made a new bloggy friend, iMommy. Do me a favor will you? Any of you who have more than one kid, please go and give her some advice or just tell her that's it's going to be okay. She's pregnant with her second and she's got that worry, you know the one. The worry that we all had, that we weren't ready or enough something for two kids, that we weren't sure we could ever love that second kid or connect with that second baby like the first one. Just to remind her that she's not alone. That it will be okay; that a second kid somehow makes their place in your family and heart. Please for me, even just go and say hi. Thanks.
  • I get my cast off tomorrow, which is so awesome. My freaking hand feels like sandpaper. I can only hope a whole layer of skin doesn't fall off. Like a hand snake or something. Wouldn't that be gross?
  • I'm so ready for new TV. Why do they have to wait so dang long to show us new stuff. Why do actors need four months off anyway? None of us get four months off a year. My DVR is sad, she (yes, mine is a she, what's yours?) has nothing to keep her company. She doesn't know what to do with herself when she has less than thirty hours to keep her happy.
I guess that's it right now. Everything else in my head is about this tiny baby...well and miscellaneous song lyrics. I may come back and add more later. I told you all I was kinda bitchy.


Becky said...

don't worry. you do not sound bitchy or like an asshat. or maybe you do but i don't notice because IM bitchy? hm.

iMommy said...

Aww, now you've got me crying at YOUR blog too!!

Lol.. thanks for the shout-out and vote of support... much appreciated. Today was a hard day, and it helped.

J at said...

Your mom must be aching at having to miss the birth of your child in order to be with her mother. Your feelings are not assy or mean, they are just feelings. We all have them.

Good luck, easy birth, love to you and your mom and your grandma, and yay for good MILs! I have one, too. :)

debra said...

Sending you a hug for the day and congratulations on ridding your arm of that cast! Thank goodness it's happening before DUDE arrives! ;)

whensheworeponytails said...

Lady, you don't sound bitchy at all.

I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I hope you're able to attend the funeral.

And I don't think you sound like an asshole AT ALL for wishing your Mother was with you. It's totally natural to want that help and comfort when you're going through all you are going through.

I miss tv, too. My DVR is a he I think because he gives me so much crap. ;-) Has to be a he, right?

I'll stop by iMommy today. I know the fear you speak of.