I don't think I'm done.

I've been searching for a reason, And I'm running out of time, I can feel that it's the season, It's time to make up my mind, And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do, There are so many thoughts in my head, There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose, So I'm thinking over the things that you've said, Thinking over the things... (Lyrics, Thinking Over by Dana Glover.)

That is a few lines from one of my favorite songs in the world. These days it runs through my often. Maybe too often. In a way, it's my theme song right now. All I do is think.

Logan and I have babies on the brain. We talk about having more kids all the time. At night when we can't sleep (or should be sleeping), we discuss what our baby would possibly look like. How cool it would be to have one with my blue eyes, instead of his brown eyes. The thought that this will never happen, as his eyes seem to be dominant. We discuss where the baby would sleep, how much we'd like Harrison to get to be a big brother and in some moments, we discuss how sad we'd both be if we were done having babies. We are kind of at a point, where we need to decide to have more or start the process to adopt, because we both know we want to be done with babies in the next five years. Seems like a weird conversation, I know, given what happened six weeks ago, but still...it's where we are right now in our lives. We are young, everyone tells us this. You have kids; is most commonly heard. You have the next ten years to have kids, is my least favorite line. While it may be true, there are reasons we had our kids as young as we did. Plus? In ten years I will have teenagers. I don't want to have a baby when Morgan is in High School. That is just weird to me. However, we know there are more kids in our future.

I go back and forth on wanting to try again soon, or hold off for a bit. I don't know if I'm strong enough to fail again. Emotionally, it is hard to lose a baby, much less two. As hard as it is, as much as it has wrecked me, I don't know if I'm ready to throw in the towel. In this moment it is too soon. Tomorrow will be six weeks. But when is the right moment going to be?

Was it easier this time around? Well yes, in a way. As easy as losing a pregnancy ever is I guess. I didn't fall of the deep end, so I guess that is a plus. 14 weeks was way harder than 5 weeks. In a way though, this time was just as hard. Because I cared for and wanted this baby, just as much as the last time. I will say something that I never thought I'd say out loud: I didn't think it would happen to me twice. (Amy, (POW) if you see this, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry to have thought that, sorry to say it.) I knew it happened, have had friends who it has happened to. My aunt had five miscarriages in between her two kids. Still, I didn't think it'd happen to me. But here we are.

Part of me thinks we should just forget about it and adopt. We've always talked about adoption. It's something we are sure we will do at some point.

Then I think about never being pregnant again and I cry.

I think about my pregnancy with Harrison and I regret not savoring every second of it. I wonder if I damaged him in some way, by not being sure I wanted to be pregnant at that time. I think, what if that was it. What if he was it. Because of how

I look at the four little newborny jammies that I bought at Kohls mid-April and I consider giving them away, but I can't physically even take them out of the closet that they are hanging in.

I spend Saturday cuddling this:


and I wonder if Harrison is the last newborn I will cuddle at night. (Picture of my cousins 3wk old, Savannah.) The thought of that pains me.

The signs at Disney for Space Mountain say, this ride can be harmful to pregnant women. I stare at it for minutes before my cousin takes my hand and makes me stop.

I say in passing to Instamom on Sunday that if I'd still been pregnant, I'd have a Christmas due date and I cringe inside. Because it's true. It took everything in my power to not sob in that moment.

I want to have another baby. Maybe even a few more babies. I am not done. I have room in my heart, in my home and in my family for more babies. But I'm scared. It's supposed to be easier than this. It's not supposed to hurt so much.

I dream about babies. Little girl babies for some reason. (Doesn't mean anything, I dreamt about Harrison being a girl too. I just think all of mine as girls, until proven otherwise.) We have names picked out for future kids. We are, as my MIL says, baby obsessed. She gets it though. They tried for ten years to have a forth kid and never managed to even get pregnant again.

But timing is everything and really it's all chance. I think about there being one more baby, sooner than later. I tell myself that I can do it, I can try once more. I tell myself not to be afraid, that I am strong enough to try this again. At least give it one more shot. I want to be pregnant once more, give birth once more. Then any we have after that, will most likely come to us through adoption. Logan still wants six and as time goes on, I want six too. Five at least.

So, I think about it.

The elephant in the room

I knew right away. Some women don't know for weeks, a few for months, but I knew the very next day. Weeks before a test would ever show me a plus sign. The tell tale nausea, the kind that lasts all day. Morning sickness my ass. The sore boobs, the dizziness, the inability to eat anything besides bread, pineapple and ginger ale. I was pregnant.

There are next to no pictures of our vacation in Hawaii; no funny stories or great date adventures. There is none of that because I (well we) spent our entire vacation in the hotel room. And not in the fun way. (Trust me, there has been no fun in that way lately.) I have been sick for a month. Just waiting for the day that I could take a test, post a picture of it and tell the world. Because I was beyond thrilled. I told more people than I should have, because the excitement was overwhelming. I also thought it good to mention to a few people why I was never around, why I never posted anymore, why I rarely made any mention of being around. So people didn't forget about me I guess. That day, was Tuesday of last week. I peed on the little stick and it confirmed what I knew, what I had known for a month; I was pregnant. Excited, I told everyone I came across.

Late Wednesday night, I lost it. The baby, my baby. Gone as quickly as I told people. Just gone. One day after confirmation that it was true, it was all over.

I went on vacation anyway, this past weekend, because I needed a distraction. I slept a total of an hour and a half Wednesday night, but I went to California anyway. In the moment, it seemed like the best option. Maybe it was. But now I'm home. And I hurt. There are no more distractions now. There are no more family members to act fine around. No more places to go. Nothing, except me and my head for company.

I am writing this, because I can't speak. Not past the: please don't hit your sister or the, yes, sure have another piece of candy, I don't care; type of speaking. I am here, going through the motions. Changing diapers, doing dishes, playing along on Twitter; but I don't feel it. It's not real, it's fake. I am pretending. Pretending I am not crushed. Pretending I want to do anything besides get in bed and pull my comforter over my head for a week. I feel like a shadow of myself. Like I am watching myself do these things, but not really doing them. I am not sure I can explain it, not sure I need too. I will be forced to speak tomorrow, to my shrink. But I am not ready. I just want time to grieve. However to appease my husband I will at least go to the appointment.

Every time I open my mouth, I feel like I offend people. And it's true, because I have offended a few people. I am spewing on others, my lovely friend told me today. She is right and there are very few people I'd let say that to me when I feel like this. But I am, spewing and making asshat statements. So, now....I am not talking.

I hurt. I am sad. I want my baby back. I can write this, but I can't speak it.

I am not crazy, despite my jokes about it. I am just a woman who lost a baby. A sad, depressed woman who lost a baby. A baby that made me sick like a dog for a month. I would be sick for the next eight months, if I could have my baby back at the end.

Right now, my heart hurts. It hurts so bad that I feel it cracking. It hurts to breath, it hurts to smile. I have to make myself eat. If you don't believe me, ask Maura how little cake I ate when I met her on Saturday night. I know in a few days, I will feel better. I know in a few weeks, I will feel even better than that. I know one day soon, I will laugh at a joke, tell a joke even; it will feel good and natural. I will one day find myself smiling, drinking wine, or enjoying a moment. I have felt this way before, I know how it goes. Truly it's not as bad as last time around. But today I pretend.

I wrote this so you all know why I haven't been around, why I may not be around or be very pleasant for a bit. I wrote this for me, because I had to get some of it out. I had to say what I can't say, if that makes any sense. I had to write that I am crushed, because I am. Because it hurts to breath and it hurts even more to think. Because one day I won't feel like this, but I need to own it right now. To honor it; my grief and loss. To share my love for a baby I will never meet. My baby.

Remember Maddie

Today two people who I have come to adore this year are having to do the unthinkable: they are burying their daughter today. Beautiful angel baby Madeline. No parent should have to go through this. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I can not even imagine.

I read THIS and I bawled. I have never seen such bravery from a grieving person in my entire life. Today my heart is with Heather and Mike. Today my heart is in Los Angeles. At 2:30pm, pacific time, the service is being held for Maddie. Please think a positive thought for Heather and Mike at that time. Today please think of Madeline Alice Sphor.

Madeline Alice

UPDATE NUMBER 3: I know this has been a hard week for the blogging community. Everyone wants to help, but most of us don't know how we can. I know the economy sucks right now. But I have a request. Maddie's mom Heather was laid off last year. Her dad Mike is in a relatively new job and is taking time off right now to deal with the loss. They are looking at a $7,000 bill for the service and reception next week. This family needs our help. You can send a dollar, or five. Whatever you can do would help. The link HERE is for paypal. The money goes directly to Heather and Mike. Please help. This is something we can do for them. It won't bring her back, it won't make their hurt any easier, but it may make their worry a bit less. Thank you.


Last night, the beautiful and amazing Maddie passed away. I am heartbroken, having just read those words in an email. I don't have any details, except that yesterday she was in the hospital and last night on Twitter, Meghan was saying they were having to put her on a ventilator. Unfortunately her lungs just couldn't handle it. For any more details, check in with Meghan later.

I have no more words. Today is for Maddie. You will never be forgotten.


To Heather and Mike, my thoughts and prayers are with you both today.

ps. picture stolen from Meghan, who took it off of Heather's Flicker page. I just wanted everyone to see this beautiful angel.

UPDATE: For more info and places to donate, please see this post or go directly to Maddie's March of Dime's site. The family is asking for donations be sent there, instead of flowers. You have to hand it to the power of the Internet....Maddie's site has raise over $11,000 as of noon Denver time (8am Hawaii time). Yesterday, it was still around $3,000.

SECOND UPDATE: I had guest posts lined up this week and next. Lovely, amazing guest posters. I have decided to not post (or well have Maura post) any more of them until after the service for Maddie on Tuesday of next week. Any that don't get posted before I get back, will be posted, I swear. However, this week is about them; Maddie, Heather and Mike. There is updated information on the service at Meghan's site.

For Maddie, who will forever be in my heart.