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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The elephant in the room

I knew right away. Some women don't know for weeks, a few for months, but I knew the very next day. Weeks before a test would ever show me a plus sign. The tell tale nausea, the kind that lasts all day. Morning sickness my ass. The sore boobs, the dizziness, the inability to eat anything besides bread, pineapple and ginger ale. I was pregnant.

There are next to no pictures of our vacation in Hawaii; no funny stories or great date adventures. There is none of that because I (well we) spent our entire vacation in the hotel room. And not in the fun way. (Trust me, there has been no fun in that way lately.) I have been sick for a month. Just waiting for the day that I could take a test, post a picture of it and tell the world. Because I was beyond thrilled. I told more people than I should have, because the excitement was overwhelming. I also thought it good to mention to a few people why I was never around, why I never posted anymore, why I rarely made any mention of being around. So people didn't forget about me I guess. That day, was Tuesday of last week. I peed on the little stick and it confirmed what I knew, what I had known for a month; I was pregnant. Excited, I told everyone I came across.

Late Wednesday night, I lost it. The baby, my baby. Gone as quickly as I told people. Just gone. One day after confirmation that it was true, it was all over.

I went on vacation anyway, this past weekend, because I needed a distraction. I slept a total of an hour and a half Wednesday night, but I went to California anyway. In the moment, it seemed like the best option. Maybe it was. But now I'm home. And I hurt. There are no more distractions now. There are no more family members to act fine around. No more places to go. Nothing, except me and my head for company.

I am writing this, because I can't speak. Not past the: please don't hit your sister or the, yes, sure have another piece of candy, I don't care; type of speaking. I am here, going through the motions. Changing diapers, doing dishes, playing along on Twitter; but I don't feel it. It's not real, it's fake. I am pretending. Pretending I am not crushed. Pretending I want to do anything besides get in bed and pull my comforter over my head for a week. I feel like a shadow of myself. Like I am watching myself do these things, but not really doing them. I am not sure I can explain it, not sure I need too. I will be forced to speak tomorrow, to my shrink. But I am not ready. I just want time to grieve. However to appease my husband I will at least go to the appointment.

Every time I open my mouth, I feel like I offend people. And it's true, because I have offended a few people. I am spewing on others, my lovely friend told me today. She is right and there are very few people I'd let say that to me when I feel like this. But I am, spewing and making asshat statements. So, now....I am not talking.

I hurt. I am sad. I want my baby back. I can write this, but I can't speak it.

I am not crazy, despite my jokes about it. I am just a woman who lost a baby. A sad, depressed woman who lost a baby. A baby that made me sick like a dog for a month. I would be sick for the next eight months, if I could have my baby back at the end.

Right now, my heart hurts. It hurts so bad that I feel it cracking. It hurts to breath, it hurts to smile. I have to make myself eat. If you don't believe me, ask Maura how little cake I ate when I met her on Saturday night. I know in a few days, I will feel better. I know in a few weeks, I will feel even better than that. I know one day soon, I will laugh at a joke, tell a joke even; it will feel good and natural. I will one day find myself smiling, drinking wine, or enjoying a moment. I have felt this way before, I know how it goes. Truly it's not as bad as last time around. But today I pretend.

I wrote this so you all know why I haven't been around, why I may not be around or be very pleasant for a bit. I wrote this for me, because I had to get some of it out. I had to say what I can't say, if that makes any sense. I had to write that I am crushed, because I am. Because it hurts to breath and it hurts even more to think. Because one day I won't feel like this, but I need to own it right now. To honor it; my grief and loss. To share my love for a baby I will never meet. My baby.

28 comments:

Marla said...

I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through right now. I will be praying for you.

Kari said...

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking about you, and hoping that you are able to find a way to heal soon. Maybe writing about it helps.

Sounds like you could have used the trip to Napa this past weekend - wish you could have been there with us!

Mrs. Chicken said...

I'm so sorry, Issa.

anymommy said...

I'm really sorry. I'm thinking of you.

Fairly Odd Mother said...

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} Oh, I am so, so, so sorry. Be easy on yourself---it's ok for the kids to see that mama is sad, and to indulge them with whatever gives you a few moments to sit and be quiet with yourself.

maggie, dammit said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

alissasanderson said...

I feel how you feel. In a different way, for a different reason of course, but the not speaking just barely functioning not being "around" is exactly how I've been feeling.

I am so sorry. I know there's nothing I can say that will make it better, but please, remember I'm here if you need me. For anything. And, take care of yourself.

Karen said...

This sucks. I'm really sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.

SUEB0B said...

Oh sweetie. Big hugs.

PsychMamma said...

Thinking of you and my heart aches for you. Hugs, hugs, hugs, HUGS!!!

There really aren't enough/RIGHT words.

Jaden Paige said...

Oh, my god, Issa... I'm so sorry :(

Take this time for yourself. Don't feel guilty about not posting or silly things like that- we'll all be here when you're ready.

EatPlayLove said...

I'm sorry. Thanks for sharing, hopefully getting some thoughts out with your writing helped ease the burden some. Big hugs.

Insta-mom said...

You were so brave to write this.

I've said so much already. Now, all that's really left is to remind you that you are loved. And we are here when you're ready to come back.

jennster said...

i'm so sorry issa... so so sorry

Becky said...

i'm so deeply sorry for your loss Issa.

debra said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so, so sorry. Sending you hugs.

Heather said...

I'm so so so sorry for you, Issa. ((hugs))

Kirsten said...

Damn. I'm so sorry. So very sorry.

wheelsonthebus said...

honey, i am so, so sorry. i am thinking of you.

J from Ireland said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. Thoughts and prayers to you.

MommyGeekology said...

Oh, Issa. I am so sorry. So, so sorry for your loss.

If you ever need someone to make a few asshat statements at... well, you know how to find me. (blog changed, but all the emails are still the same)

Love,
MommyGeekology

carmen said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage Monday. No matter how long you were pregnant, it's still a very real loss.

Be kind to yourself.

Marinka said...

Issa, I am so sorry for your loss. Truly sorry.

Bridget/queenofhaddock said...

This is something you'll never forget. There are still times I think about my little one who didn't make it, and I feel like I can't breathe and I tear up a little. But it does get better. It does. (((Issa)))

Would-Be Bonus Mom said...

I'll admit to crying at work while reading this. It's so awful and so unfair. I'd like to say something that would make you feel better, that would let you know it's going to be okay - but it's not really okay is it? And that's okay.

Take your time healing & grieving & spewing if you need to. I feel for you, as I'm having my own battle with fertility.

I am a new reader & will look forward to your return. :)

Anonymous said...
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mommymae said...

riiiiight, anonymous...cause there's a rule that says you have to be exactly 2 months pregnant to start getting sick. wish i'd known you when i was pregnant & you could have diagnosed my "morning sickness" as the crazies for me.

mommymae said...

yay! now i really am crazy! i'm talking to myself. heh.