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Monday, June 22, 2009

Yesterday was not the day

Father's Day is not the day to discuss my father. Yesterday was a day to celebrate dad's. As you can all see below, I choose to celebrate an amazing dad, Mike Spohr in my post below. I could have talked about my husband, because he, like Mike, is an amazing dad. However he really doesn't like being talked about in this space and that is a request, I can honor. Just so you all know though, my husband is an amazing father. In my wildest dreams, I could never have asked for a better father for my children. He's a keeper. But yesterday was for Mike. Because he deserved it. He deserves much more than that, but it was the least I could do to celebrate him in my space.

Also? I can't discuss my dad on Father's Day.

Not that I don't have one, because I do. But he's never really been much of a dad to me. Not since I was six years old and he met my step-mom. From that day forward, I was an inconvenience, not his only daughter. I am his only daughter, but because his wife has a daughter as well, he took her on as his and sort of left me behind.

It's complicated.

It hurts to write this stuff. Also, I have to be careful how much I say, in case they ever do find this blog. Don't know why I care as much as I do, but I just do. Let's just say, I am writing a post about them, for a guest post somewhere else, but it's taken me three weeks and I'm not even close to finishing it.

Yesterday I called my dad and he didn't pick up the phone. I called the house and I called his cell phone, but he didn't pick up. He won't talk to me if she is around. I talk to him once a month, occasionally twice, but he always calls me from work. Like I said, I don't exist to her. When we talk it is always forced. Maybe the right word is fake? The kids, the weather, the who is doing what in the extended family. Nothing personal, nothing real, no emotion. It's been like this for as long as I can remember.

Maybe once every three or four years we have a chance to have a real conversation in person. I hold onto those conversations like Bailey does her blankie at night, because they mean so much to me. I always wonder, what if this was the last one. I have to remember every word, ever joke, every smile, in case this was the last time I talk to him like this. We had a two hour conversation when I was out there visiting in April. We sat on his back porch and talked. Like really talked. The girls were shopping with my step-mom, the baby was sleeping, it was a perfect moment. Then it was over and we went back to fake.

But yesterday I didn't exist again. Yesterday, I didn't even get a phone call back. You can say, oh he was busy; this is what Logan said last night. But no, I know it's not true. (Logan know's it's not true too.) If I called my brother, he'd tell me that he was there all day at dad's house. Most likely at a BBQ of some form, because this is what they always do. He'd tell me that dad probably looked at the phone, saw it was me and said, out loud, oh I'll call her later. I know this to be true, because it has happened way too often. I don't call my brother and ask, because he doesn't like to have to tell me and I don't like to have to hear it.

I know that one day this week, I will get a phone call from him. He will call me at work, when he has exactly three minutes to talk to me. He will mention that everyone was out the house on Sunday and he missed me. He may even mention my messages to him.

But he doesn't miss me enough to pick up the phone when I call. I don't rate high enough on the list, to even get to say to him on Father's Day, Happy Father's Day, dad. It sucks. It hurts. But I can't do a thing about it. I just get to live with it. At nearly 30 years old, I should be used to it and most days I am, but on day's like yesterday, it creeps up on me what I'm missing. I watch Logan be adored by our girls, I watch him adore them and I envy them. I envy my own children. how freaking sick is that?

They have this amazing relationship and it makes me thrilled. It also makes me sad.

I tried for years to make my realtionship with my dad better. Tried and tried and tried. But I failed.

I have friends who have no father. Friends, some of you included who lost your dads way before you should have. My heart breaks for all of you. I can't even imagine. I know my issues with my dad don't compare. Mine is still around. He lives in California. He's an awesome man. He's entertaining, a kind hearted person, he is a good friend, a good boss and a good husband. He's even a good dad to my brothers and my step-siblings. He just isn't to me.


Jenna said...

Oh honey,

My heart aches for you. Your pain is real, and it is just as terrible as the pain of losing a father, as I have. Maybe more so, BECAUSE your dad is alive. My dad didn't have a choice to leave me.

I hope one day you get to have a heart to heart and it will stick. That things will change. He's losing out on a wonderful daughter.

Jaden Paige said...

I don't think it's sick at all that you envy your kids... It makes sense, considering all this. Hang tight and just keep doing what you can to reach out- it's all you can do. Hopefully one day he will realize what he's missing.


Liz said...

The failure isn't yours. It is his. Really. REALLY.

Becky said...

hey i can relate sweetie. you've read numerous posts on my blog i'm sure about my relationship with my dad. and even now that he's gone, i still sometimes miss the handful of good times. but yeah as a father to me, he pretty much sucked too. and by they way, i envy my girls too. i see how matt is with them and how much hannah loves her dad and wants to marry him...i'm so glad for them but also jealous because i don't know what that's like to be so secure with a man in my life...and to have a man love me unconditionally the way a dad does. i know exactly what you mean.

Perksofbeingme said...

my heart bleeds for you.

Just Breathe said...

I can't imagine not having a relationship with my Dad. I am so sorry for you. I'm in CA & my dad is in Florida, he turns 86 this week. I talk with him almost everyday. My niece is going through a divorce & her soon to be X didn't bother to spend the day with his 3 kids. How is it that men can do this to their children?

Kari said...

I'm so sorry Issa. You know I lost my Dad when I was young, and this will probably sound really weird - but in some ways, it's easier that way. I can still hang on to the fantasy that we would have had a great relationship in my adulthood.

debra said...

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I have never understood people who marry people who don't want to have anything to do with their kids. I'm sure they have reasons, I just don't understand them.

Kay said...

I get every word of this post... and you're right, it sucks. My situation is a little different, but with the same outcome.
Here's my problem -
***"But I failed."***
You did NOT fail. While every relationship is a two way street, when it comes to parents and children, especially since this has gone on since you were SIX, the responsibility is on the PARENT. You can't make him into the father you want or need - it's just not who he is. And that is in NO WAY your failure. If it needs to be someone's failure, then it's his.
As for envying your kids - not sick at all. Give yourself a pat on the back for marrying such an amazing man :)

Halala Mama said...

I understand. My own father has not spoken one word to me since he found out I married an African. He would rather have his prejudices than me. It's his choice and he can have it. So far, I am able to rejoice that my husband adores our son and that I do not believe he would ever turn his back on him the way my own father has done to me. I am happy that I picked a better man than my father. I'm glad you also have chosen a good man whom you can celebrate.

Marla said...

Oh gosh. I'm with Kay... This is not your fault. One day, he will realize what he's missing out on. I only hope he will make the effort to change.

anymommy said...

He failed, darling. And it's okay to love him anyway and to keep the lines of communication open and to hope he'll change, in fact, it's amazing, as long as you remember that he failed and is failing.

Love. I'm really sorry, no child should feel that way.

Heather said...

hon, I totally want to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug. I, sadly know where you are coming from in some aspects of your post. My bio dad is just that. My hubs doesn't know why I care so much, but I do. I wish I didn't. I self censor myself all the time at my place about things I want to write about him. How I hadn't talked to him for months & he calls me out of the blue to tell me I wasn't a very observant person because while driving I didn't see him & his wife in one of their many cars parked in a parking lot. Once he got that out of the way he started talking to my step mom with me on the phone!! Then after about 2 min the conversation was over. When I did talk to him on Father's Day instead of saying thanks for wishing him a happy day he said "Gee don't you sound all happy about life or something." Ugh.

Okay my intention was not to hijack your comments, but I totally get what you are saying, especially being jealous of your girls. I see my hubs rocking it in as their father and it makes me sick that I can't have that relationship w/ my dad. My half sister has it and I guess there isn't enough room for the both of us.