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Monday, November 10, 2008

Mommy guilt, I has it...

So I have this teeny boy and I adore him...this you all know. I am really content to hang out and just stare at him all day long, every day. He's quite cute, you know. But my girls are starting to show signs of being a bit jealous of him. Basically they are being asshats to me these days. Bailey, more than Morgan, but really both of them. Clingy one moment and bratty the next. I decided to take each of them on a special day with just me. Bailey's was Saturday, Morgan's will be next Saturday.

Off to the mall (her choice) we went, bright and way too early Saturday morning. As an aside here, does anyone remember when sleeping in on weekends meant later than 7:15am? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, we went to the mall, listening to her favorite CD the entire way.

Once there we proceeded to look in every single store. I do mean, every store. She wanted to point out all the things she wanted for Christmas. I really think her reasoning in going to the mall, was to search out and find Santa. I kept telling her, he's not here yet, not until after Thanksgiving. She still looked for him in every store. She also wants things from every single store. I thought she'd find a store where she couldn't come up with something she wanted, but no, even in the stores where there was nothing she could possibly want, she'd find something and say, Daddy wants this Mama, we should buy it for him. So, honey when you get the Buddha piggy bank for Christmas, you only have your daughter to blame. According to her, it is your greatest wish to own a Buddha piggy bank.

I bought her shoes and a couple of books, one sweater and some candy. I thought we were home free, because I'd managed to pull her out of the toy stores, telling her that she had to make a list for Santa; I wasn't buying her toys today.

We'd almost gotten back to the car, when she said to me, Mama you always say next time, but today is next time, right? What are you talking about? That. She was talking about Build-a-Bear. The glowing lights of the store were shining in her wide eyes. The bears were calling her, I could see it. I thought in my head, how many times I really have said maybe next time to her. I did what any guilty feeling mommy would do. I walked her into the store and said, pick whichever one you want too.

We left with Hannah Montana, the Cheetah. She has a guitar and clothes. I did put my foot down at shoes, I was not paying for two sets of shoes. But it does sing. A Hannah Montana song, of course. Can you see me cringing through the computer?

It didn't alleviate all of my guilt, but it did make me feel a bit better. I have to get a handle of having three kids. On taking a break from adoring Harrison; to remember to spend time with my girls.

It's hard though. It's so easy to spend all day with him. He's small and he fits right here, in the crook of my neck...where he is right now. He's easy as pie, he goes days without crying, he doesn't talk back and honestly, I've waited a long time for him. After losing the baby last year, I know how precious it is, this time around is. I feel like I need to make up for the way I was for the majority of my pregnancy. I need to make up for not being sure I was emotionally stable enough for him. I feel like I need to prove too him how loved he is. My girls might be feeling a bit jealous, but they've had years with me. He's only seven weeks old.

I'm having trouble finding the middle ground. I guess that's something I need to keep working on. Until then, I am the mommy who buys Build-a-Bears. Just stick a sucker sign on me and call it done.

ps. Try as I might, I can not get the pictures of Bailey and Hannah Montana to load.She really was quite pleased with her choice. Her sister, not so much. But she'll get her chance to do what she wants to next weekend.


Delusional Girl Ruby Soho said...

I draw the line at shoes too. Although my Ruby (the bear, not me) has red shoes to match her red dress. That she doesn't wear anymore.

And currently, ON MY BED, are six Build A Bear animals and one of those little puppy ones, you know the ones that go with the bigger version. Yeah, we co-sleep, but not all of them are his.

Lesley said...

I am not certain, but I'm fairly sure that buying a Buid-A-Bear that plays a Hannah Montana song AND THEN ACTUALLY ALLOWING SAID BEAR INTO HOUSE pretty much allows you to be guilt-free on everything else for the rest of your life.

Issa is in the clear!!

Jaden Paige said...

Well, I only have one, so this could be totally off-base, but.... I would think it's really natural for them to be a little bit jealous. And it's natural for you to want to spend a lot of time with him right now, and to feel guilty about the girls.

Don't worry, you'll find your groove, and the girls will get over the jealousy and realize that Mom has enough love to go around. Until then, they'll be happy playing with build-a-bears and eating candy that they may not otherwise have acquired :P You're doing a great job!

And, btw? *gasp* at the price of that build-a-bear. Uhm, I think I'm going to try my best to keep bendy ruggles away from that store. lol.

Kim @ said...

Lady, you're home free. You have NO more reason for guilt of any kind with the Build a Bear thing behind you.

We went through that when Squeaker came home. I told the girls it was only fair to Squeaks since I did the very same thing for both of them when they were babies. I sort of told them, "Look, we're a machine. We're a whole family. You can work with it or against it but in the end this is it, kiddos."

This? Coming from the woman who felt so guilty about my kid choosing to go out of town to visit grandma instead of a birthday party so I drove her and eight other children out to the beach for the entire day. haha

So what does that all mean? That I suck at this whole balancing act but I'm doing just like you. I'm trying.

The whole machine had fun that day, though. So it all worked out in the wash.

Why do they say that? In the wash? Where did that come from? Weird.

iMommy said...

i'm right here with you... trying to balance

Mrs. Chicken said...

It is hard, isn't it? I feel exactly the same right now. Spread too thin and wanting to sit and hold the baby in peace.

But we love our girls, so we keep trying.


Anonymous said...

this time, i am trying to keep perspective. i remember how my relationship with z bounced back eventually after b was born, and i have to have faith that will happen again.

anymommy said...

You are doing just fine. It takes time to find the balance and to let your family realign. Cuddle that newborn darling and build bears with your girls if that's what it takes. Hugs!

Becky said...

hah we were at build a bear too this weekend. not cuz of mommmy guilt but mostly preemptive measures because i know when olivia gets here hannah won't be living the dream that she's living now. i'm sure i'll be having a hard time too..balancing being olivia's mom and being hannah's mom at the same time.

Anonymous said...

We don't have a Build-a-Bear here :-(

I think it's great that you're taking them out one at a time. They'll remember those days forever...and when tiny one gets bigger he'll remember his own days with Mama, too. You're doing a great job. ((hugs))

texasholly said...

I do that all the time too...tell them next time. Good for you to follow through. I need to follow your actions.

Sweet, sweet baby. I can understand just soaking it in. They are so much cuter asleep and not talking back.