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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I'm scared

On Thursday morning, I will kiss my husband and babies good-by and get on a plane to Chicago by myself. To go to BlogHer. Something that seemed like a great idea...back in December of last year. On Thursday, I will meet tons of new people that I feel like I know, even though I don't really yet. I will hug as many people as will allow me too. I will drink wine with some of you and try to remember everyone's names.

I will talk more than I ever do. I will be braver than I ever am. I will shower each day. I will wear clothes without baby snot on them. I will do my damnedest to have a blast.

I have not, since having children, been on a plane without someone in my family. Sometimes without kids, sometimes without husband, yes. But alone? No.

I'll spend four days not changing diapers. Not breaking up arguments. Not yelling at the dog to stop barking at the same dang squirrel. I don't have to coax a baby to eat, nor ask my daughters to pick up their clothes off the floor. I won't argue with my husband about the remote control, not push his 6'4" limbs off of me in the middle of the night.

Sounds like a vacation, right?

Thing is, this is my reality. This is my world that I know. Without it, I'm not sure what I know.

I am not brave. I am scared. I am going so far out of my comfort zone. I know I am not alone in this. I know many of you are scared.

But right now? The anxiety has set in and I am terrified.

I'm scared no one will talk to me, or care to know who I am. I'm scared I'll be too tired to go to all the parties. I'm scared that I'll stutter and speed through my keynote reading and no one will understand a word I say. I'm scared that I'll cry, which I hate doing in front of people. Scared that I will freak out at some point and hide in a closet and call my BFF or my mommy. Scared that at some point, I will wish I'd stayed home.

I won't be able to call my husband, because he's going to be camping with my kids and his family in the boondocks. I won't be able to talk to my girls, hug my baby. For four days, I will be alone. Surrounded by people but alone.

I'm scared.


Liz said...

Oh hon. I so wish I could be there to hold your hand!! (Or hide in a closet with you!) Best I can offer is a promise to answer your calls. And a truckload of virtual hugs....

Anonymous said...

You will certainly NOT be alone! How could I get through BlogHer without my Issa? Who is going to laugh at my sarcasm? If everyone else at the conference scorns you (HA! Unlikely!) I will surely stick by your side. I love ya, kid.

Jaden Paige said...

I so wish I could be there to be scared, too... and to stick by you when we felt like outcasts :) The best I can say is that I know everyone is going to LOVE you, and your keynote... Don't be afraid- you're going to have a blast!

JD at I Do Things said...

I'm sorry you're so scared. I wish I could say I totally understand, but I don't have kids. However, I'm not a big people person and don't go out that much, so I'll be out of my comfort zone too. Just focus on the fact that once you get there? You're going to be having a blast.

I'm looking forward to meeting you and hearing you read at the Keynote. See you in the Green Room! (We can hold hands, if need be.)

Amazing Greis said...

You will NOT be alone! I will not let you be ALONE. :)

This experience is definitely going to be different, but so great too! You will do awesome speaking and if you cry I'm sure others will cry along with you.

If you find yourself alone, call me, I'll come save you, really I will. Cause that's how I roll. I'm a good friend like that.

Can't wait til tomorrow, to finally meet you IRL. You are going to Dick's for the luncheon, right?

See you in Chicago!!

Bridget said...

I'm with Greis. If you don't call me, I'll probably call you from my hiding spot-possibly a closet, but you know...I'm cool with hiding under a table, too. I mean, if that's what it takes.

Becky said...

i think you'll totally do great and be SO GLAD you went :)

Anonymous said...

You know what, there might be a time or two you wish you stayed home (at least if you're anything like me).

But I'm sure there will be more times that you are absolutely giddy and grateful that you did this for yourself.

Then you will come home and tell me all about it and I will be insanely jealous. And then I will hear about how AMAZING you were giving the keynote and I will be sad that I wasn't there to applaud you afterward.

I understand how you feel now. But I also think in five days, the feeling will be completely different.

You are a rock star.

Avasmommy said...

You will have an amazing time. I'm betting you may have a few moments of "oh Crap", but I bet you will look back on the whole thing and be glad you went.

I want to go next year, especially if it's West Coast, but I may not make it for the same reasons that are causing you anxiety right now.

Lisa said...

You'll do great. I'm sure you'll be glad you decided to go, even if you have a few "what was a I thinking moments".

I'd love to go next year, but I'm worried that I'll chicken out for all the reasons you mentioned.

J from Ireland said...

Aw hon you will be fine. I bet you will have a great time and you will be so proud of yourself for doing this although you are scared. I look forward to hearing how you got on. Best wishes.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I hope you have a wonderful time and enjoy every minute of it! I'm hoping your forget all of your nervousness once you find your blogging buddies.

Count Mockula said...

You just now spoke at the keynote. You were wonderful. I hope that eases some of your fears.

ShallowGal said...

You did good!

xoxo, Amy

EatPlayLove said...

I left my girls for the first time in Oct to take a trip to NYC, it was hard but I am so glad I did it. Can't wait to hear about the trip when you get back.