What I wouldn't give for a full nights sleep

I have never been a um well...sleeper. Good isn't even a word I'd use in the same sentence as sleep. Not as it pertains to me at least. These days, I am getting very little sleep. I would love to blame it all on Harrison, since he isn't sleeping that much either, especially this week as he's been sick, but it's not just him.

Besides I've been there with the teething baby thing twice before. One day, they all learn to sleep. One day they stop waking up at night wanting to be cuddled by mama only. That day comes sooner than most people think and in the moment, I don't mind the quiet moments in the middle of the night with him. He is a ball of movement in the day time, trying to get anything in the house he shouldn't have, trying to chase down his sisters or the dog. At night, he is that tiny boy baby again. The one who wants nothing more than to cuddle up to me, lay with his face in my neck, breathing warm baby breath on me.

Oh heck, where was I? Ah, yes, so Harrison is not the source of my not sleeping, or at least not all of it. I have trouble falling asleep, i always have. Can't tell you why, I've never known, I've just always had trouble falling asleep. It's genetic, this I know. My mom has and my grandpa had this same problem.

So i lay there at night and eventually manage to turn my brain off and fall asleep. Sometimes it takes an hour, sometimes three, depends on the night. Then the boy wakes up, sometimes once, lately like three times a night. Since Logan has to get up and go to work early in the morning, the late night stuff is left to me.

To be fair, Harrison is in a total mama phase right now. The times when Logan has gone in at night, Harrison just screams bloody murder and tries to beat his daddy up, till I eventually go in and rescue him from the horribleness that is someone besides me .

for some reason, when i go back to bed after Harrison does, I am very able to go back to bed. Till the nightmares start. I try to not watch anything scary right before I go to bed. I'm not even talking scary movies, because I never watch those. More like the CSI, Saving Grace, anything good type of TV shows. We record Whose Line Is IT Anyway, Two and a Half Men and The Big Bang Theory and before I go to bed, I always try and watch one of those.

It works some night and not others. Of course it does nothing for the BlogHer nightmares.

I'm not sure why I have nightmares. I have periodically throughout my life. Mostly though it had to do with something I watched on TV. When I was eight, I saw the Bad Seed on TV somehow by accident and I didn't sleep for a week. At twelve, I saw a made for TV movie about a family with three hemophiliac boys, one of whom died of AID's. Even though I knew an amazing man (my brother's godfather) who died of AID's before that time, the thought of a little boy dying gave me nightmares.

Right now, it's every night. It's gotten old actually. I need some sleep. I'd kill for a good night's sleep right now. I've even gone so far as to consider getting a hotel room for a night this weekend, just for me and Logan and seeing if his Aunt would keep all the kids, just so I could sleep for a night.

Can I buy sleep? Anyone know? Does Amazon carry that?

ps. Yes, I've tried every, single homeopathic type of thing known to man. No need to ask, because the answer will be, yes I have and no it doesn't do a dam thing. Yes, I do have sleeping pills which I take most nights. Still, I am in a non-sleeping phase. There will at some point come a sleeping better phase, as there always does. Here's hoping it comes soon.