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Friday, December 19, 2008

I'm sinking

I'm having trouble with this loss. Losing her just hurts. One more on top of so many this past couple of years. You'd think it'd get easier, but it doesn't. Just harder. It just hurts.

Three and a half years of knowing that this could be the last visit, the last phone call, the last I love you. Somehow you are still never prepared. I know she's someplace better. This, I know I believe in. I know she's with him; the love of her life. I know she was in horrible pain. Doesn't make it hurt any less. Doesn't make me not want to fold into myself; lie in bed for days, weeks even; alone with my head.

They're gonna have the service tomorrow afternoon. Try and make it as painless as possible, so people can get home for Christmas. Christmas, I don't even want to think about Christmas anymore. If it were up to me, I'd take it all down and pretend it didn't exist. I can't and I won't. I do want to. How do you find the holiday spirit when your spirit feels beaten and broken? When your heart has been shattered into so many pieces that no one can find all of them.

I can't handle much more drama and pain. I don't know what I'll do if one more thing goes wrong, one more person I love, gone.

As a child of divorce, the holidays were never the amazingly fun experience that my children have. It was filled with hard feelings and worry about the other parent. It was each of them, in their own way, trying to out do each other. It was filled with, whose turn is it, you had them last year, like we were shoes or a kite and not small children. The years we went to Grandma and Grandpa's house with my mom, those were my favorite Christmas's. Christmas to me, it was best with them. They always did it at their house. Any child was welcome, along with their family, even their in-laws if they wanted. But they never, ever, didn't do it at their house. They had a massive tree, tons of treats and gifts. Christmas Eve we walked through the college and ooohed and awed at the lights. Dinner was at 2pm and gifts were opened after. It was the same, it was tradition. I am trying my best to do that with my kids. Make traditions for them, lasting good memories. For Christmas to be about our family, no matter what everyone else thinks. But Christmas is not Christmas without them. They were the rocks of this family. Now they are both gone. Three months and a week apart.

Yesterday would have been my grandfathers birthday. But he's been gone over three months. I'm not over this one yet. I haven't gotten to the point where I don't cry when he is mentioned; where I don't smell a man with his aftershave and a hint of listerine and it not make me weak with grief. I don't hear a song that reminded him of me and not break down, no matter where I am. It's hard to look at his pictures, to think about the places we were when they were taken. I didn't name Harrison after my grandpa, because I wasn't to the point that I thought I could say his name all the time. I wanted too, but I just couldn't. I pray that one day, when I'm ready, I get the chance too have another boy and name him after him. I'm just not ready to go through this again. I don't know how to lose people gracefully. How do you say good-bye for good?

I'm sinking. I feel it. I've eaten all day, but I can't tell you what any of it was. I haven't been hungry. I was angry at stupid stuff earlier, because it was easier to be angry than too feel. Now, I could care less about plane tickets, spilled ice tea or anything else so trivial. I am feeling the loss and it's eating me up inside. I have to get up at 3am to go to the airport. Fly two hours, drive three hours, go to a funeral and then turn around and do the same thing on Sunday to get home. I'm not taking the kids. Logan thinks it will be too hard on them, too much for me. He's right, I'm sure. I wish he was going. I need him, my babies. Mostly right now, I need him. He knows and it's killing him too. But our kids need him too. They are grieving too and they need one of us here. We have people. People who offered to keep them, the dog, stay here even. But I'm going alone.

I should sleep. But I just can't. I can't go to sleep. If I go to bed, I won't get up and go at 3am tomorrow. If I go to bed, I will stay there. Maybe in a few days, when I get home, I'll feel different. But this is how I feel right now. I feel like if I go and lay down, I won't make myself go and say good-bye, because I don't want to say good-bye. No matter what though, she's gone and she's not coming back. I'll never forgive myself if I don't go. Put flowers on her grave and his too, say good-bye.

I am sad. This week has put me through the ringer.

Ok, I'm going to bed now. My husband swears he's making me get up in oh 4ish hours or so. He says to trust him and I do. More than anyone in this world, I do trust him. He's my person. I'll be better in a few days, I will. For my kids, for my grandparents who would want me to snap the heck out of it. In a few days I'll come back and tell you how amazing my grandmother was.

For now, I'm just gonna be sad. I'm trying so hard not to sink. My head is just above the water. But I can swim.


Super Ninja Mommy said...

Thinking of you, Issa.

iMommy said...

Oh, Issa. My heart is aching for you. I'm praying for you, for strength, for peace. You need it all. I hope that when you return, you can remember that your grandparents are always with you, always supporting you, always watching - and that they will be with you at these holidays this year more than any other, celebrating because they are together again, and because they can see their family and watch Christmas like they wouldn't have been able to on Earth.

Your children have a couple of guardian angels, now. It's a small comfort, once you realize and believe in it.

anymommy said...

Oh. I'm so sorry. They'll be with you for Christmas, and they'll be together. I know that doesn't help you feel any better though, because you have to do it without them. Love and hugs to you and your whole crazy world.

Jaden Paige said...


I'm so sorry hun...

Becky said...

reading this makes my heart break for you. i'm so very sorry.