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Friday, January 23, 2009

nope

Yesterday, it wasn't the day not being Friday that bothered me. Not really at least. Yesterday it could have been anything that made me sad, or angry, depending on the moment. It not being Friday made me sad all day, which really isn't all that normal. It's the depression. I don't talk about it much on here, because it bothers me to discuss it. I like control and I have no control over my depression. I have no control over it and it sucks. Big time sucks.

Not having depression before a few years ago, I never really understood. I never knew how powerful it was. How it could take over. How a person could be fine one day and an absolute mess the next. I knew about it, I'd seen it in others. I even knew how one treats it, as my mother is a therapist. But I'd never experienced it, besides a few weeks ten years ago when we lost a friend. But that was situational and it went away pretty quickly. That was probably just grief. Now I have experienced it in all of it's glory and I'd gladly give it back in a heartbeat. I just don't know how to give it back. This bothers me as well.

After I lost the baby, I sank. That's the only way I can describe it. It was like drowning in quicksand, but you're still alive. You are there stuck, but you are still breathing. PPD is what my shrink called it. It took me three months to be willing to see anybody about it. I spent three months in this shell inside of my head. I barely ate, I slept more than I'd ever slept in my life and I basically ignored my family. I was not a nice, fun human being. I was a complete mess. I lost myself. Then the meds started to help and therapy started to help. I started to feel like a person again, I started acting like a mother again, a wife. Then Harrison was conceived. I'll be honest, it was not planned, nor exactly wanted. Not because of him, but because of me. I wasn't ready. It was way too soon for me. We'd lost the baby in July and was having another by the following September. The first few months of pregnancy, I sunk again. Maybe not as far again, but I did. I was afraid. Afraid to loose him, afraid to love him, just plain afraid. It made me anxious and sad. But I managed to keep living anyway. I was a little crazy, but I could deal with it. Plus, I was still medicated and that made it easier. Some people are against medication. I have no problem with that. My own mother is a big fan of healing through therapy and vitamins and herbal supplements. For me, I need the meds.

I have this husband who I adore; he's amazing and the greatest man one could ever hope to meet in their life. Of course he has faults, but they are livable. I have two beautiful, amazing, big girls who make me insane, but are an absolute joy as well. Then there is this baby boy. The one I wasn't sure I could ever love. He is an absolute miracle. I can't imagine my life without his drooly little self. He is pure light and joy.

However, I expected to be miraculously healed by now. PPD isn't one of those things you have for life. It's supposed to go away. It has, but it left a little moving gift when it left.A little consolation prize, if you will. It left the depression. It comes and goes;, it's not constant. But it lingers. Maybe it will stick around for a time, maybe forever, I really don't know.

Days like yesterday happen though. Days where I hate the world. Days where people talking bothers me. Where people who drive too slow or fast bug me. Where people who chew need to be shot. Where the dog barking makes me want to send her packing. Where something as stupid as me thinking it was Friday and it not being, make me cry. Once I start a day like that, I am not good at not falling into it. I haven't figure that out yet. Hopefully in time I will.

I am lucky in that I have a supportive family. A supportive husband who holds my hand and lets me scream about the world. One who will listen to me rant or cry. One who will take the kids out to dinner and then put them to bed, because he knows I am better left alone for a bit. And friends, I have amazing friends. Ones in my real life and ones online. Friends who will keep my girls after school and after five minutes of listening to me cry, came over to get the baby for awhile yesterday. I am also lucky that these moods don't last long. Also on bad days, my kids are not bothersome too me. Unless they are too whiney. This is a good thing, because I'd hate it if I felt about them the way I feel about everything else, on bad days. I couldn't stand it, if they thought it had anything to do with them. I have noticed patterns for when it comes. During my period for one, which is probably the cause of yesterday. After too many cold and dreary days in a row. Besides that, it's a toss up. Like I said, it comes and goes.

Today, even though it is grey and cold outside, I feel good. I showered and dressed and took snack to Bailey's class today. I feel normal. Today there is no darkness. But it is a part of me now, one that I'm going to have to come to terms with one day.

My depression has a first name. It's name is asshole.

14 comments:

Kirsten said...

You are so brave to talk about it. I have days where I think, maybe I'm depressed? Then I snap out of it. Then it comes back. I think motherhood makes it doubly hard since sometimes my kids day can depend on MY mood... that's hard to swallow sometimes.

Anyway, good for you for not ignoring it and getting what you need.

Jaden Paige said...

I'm sorry to hear that the lurking darkness is there, but you are brave for facing it, talking about it, and doing what you need to do to get through it.

Thanks for sharing. I can't imagine how hard it must have been, how scary, to have Harrison right after losing the other babe. I can see how you would be afraid to let go and love again in that same way.

You are one tough cookie, Issa :)

Maura said...

I agree, it's great that you decided to talk about it and that you have a forum for doing so right here. Sometimes that's all we need. Sometimes, though, we just need it to freaking BE Friday when we think it's Friday. ;-)

jennster said...

i think talking about it is one of the best things you can be doing. it scares me all to hell - all of it. you're lucky to be able to be this clear headed about it all, and acknowledge it, name it, and work through it with people who love and support you.

like us. :)

Sonya said...

Hmm, I think that's the first time I've ever read about depression, known exactly the way the description feels, and laughed out loud.

I don't even know you, but wish I could give you a big warm hug. That's the spirit!

I battle this one often, my good stretches are getting much longer, but it still pops up unexpectedly every now and then. Someday I plan on sharing my stories...but I'm not ready yet. Plus, I told everyone in my family the link to my blog. :)

heartatpreschool said...

I admire you for sharing your struggle. It's actually made me think a bit about my own challenges with sadness too. I think that's why I enjoy blogging so much. It's nice to get things like this out, and writing about them is a great outlet.

wheelsonthebus said...

i'm totally against meds for depression.
except for when you need them.
you are right to be getting the help you need.

EatPlayLove said...

I definitely have unexpected dark, don't talk to me, I'm not answering the phone, I'll be in bed days. Seems like you have a wonderful support system and a very good look in the mirror at your situation. Big hugs.

MarvelousMOM said...

I am so sorry for this. I definitely admire you being so strong to talk about it openly. I wish that there was something I could do for you. I will be here as a blogging friend and listen. You have my email if you ever want to vent!

-hugs-

SUEB0B said...

I hear you on that one, sister.

Mrs. Really Long Last Name said...

I completely want to fly to you and eat ice cream together.

And drink wine.

And eat cookie dough.

Then bake cookies.

And eat those too.

Hugs.

iMommy said...

(I am so behind on my blog reading, I am sorry!)

When I was diagnosed with PPD, I asked if it would go away. My doctor said yes.

Over a year later, I asked my therapist why it didn't go away. She told me that yes, the PPD went away... but not the depression.

Once you've had it, you're susceptible... which obviously you know first hand. And it sucks!

It's good to talk about it. It's good to face it. You're doing all the right things. I'm right there with you... often... so drop me a line if you ever want to bitch and scream at the world.

anymommy said...

Hugs. This is brave and the way you acknowledge that your brain is messing with you and reach out for the help you need is brave too. Love to you.

Kim @ Ponytaildiaries.com said...

My brave friend! I'm so sorry. But also so happy for you that you have friends and family around you to support you. That's so wonderful.

I have become an "anti meds" person over the last few months. But in that I recognize completely that it is not up to me to decide for everyone. And not everyone goes through what I did or do. We should all have the freedom to choose our health care! AND the complete and honest truth about all of the health care we seek.

I'm so thankful that you have that. Esp with your Mom being a therapist. Talk about a lucky ally to have. And such a sweet husband and Daddy, too. You also know where to find me if it gets too bad.

xxoo, Kim