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Sunday, January 11, 2009

Unsettled

I toss and turn at night. Eventually I get up and leave the room, because I don't want to disturb my sleeping husband or son. Then I pace my house. I watch my little girls sleep. I flip through the 200 TV channels that are all showing nothing. I edit photos. Sometimes I carry my sleeping son around with me, just too smell his little head; too feel connected.

I can't seem to read more than a chapter of a book at a time. Unfortunately, it's never the same book that I pick up, so I'm not likely to ever finish a book. I start watching TV shows and then I get up too do something else, or I change it in the middle (which my husband just loves, let me tell you) and start something else. I start typing posts that I don't finish.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know where I'm going to go next. I'm at an impasse and I don't know which fork I'm going to pick. I feel like I am stuck. I don't know why I can't decide what I want to do next, but I don't know how too. I need to make a decision soon though, because I really, seriously need some sleep.

In this moment, I am staying at home. Is this permanent? I have no idea. Do I want it too be permanent? Yeah, I do. But I don't know that we can afford for me to do so forever. For the next year or so, sure. But what then? What if I try and go back to work then and no one will have me? Do I give up the job that is waiting for me? I should, but I haven't yet. I have until the end of January to make up my mind. Could I see putting Harrison in daycare? Even though he'd just go to my best friend Kate's house; no I can't see it. Then I wonder why it was so easy to put the girls in daycare (and they didn't stay with Kate) at 8 weeks old, but I'm sitting here with a 15 week old and I don't want too. How is that fair to my girls? Will they resent me for it one day? Will they be okay with it, since I can now be involved at the school? Since I can make it too all the soccer practices and have playdates at my house? Is it enough? Is it what I want?

I think about these things at night, when I should be sleeping. I have always worried at night, but right now it is worse.

I want to write. You know, for money; to help support my family. But I don't know where to start. Is it even possible anymore on the Internet? I really have no idea. I have written half of a parenting book, but I stopped writing it over a year and a half ago. Is this something I should continue? Heck if I know.

I am waiting for the other shoe too drop. That's the best way I can explain my feelings right now. Waiting for a giant shoe to drop on my head, on my family. Just waiting for the next thing too go wrong. There has been so much in this last two years, that I'm just sure there will be more. I have gotten so used to drama, that I don't know how too deal without it. This makes my feeling of being unsettled, even worse. It's like a double whammy.

I am not depressed. I get up every day and I take care of my family. I play with my children, hang out with my husband and chew on my infant sons toes. Sometimes I even do cook and do laundry. LOL. I am relatively happy in this moment, more than I have been in a few years. I have amazing girls who are at great ages and a son who is at that perfect stage of babyhood. I love where we live, I adore my family and friends and I love this blog, this community.

But I feel unsettled.

11 comments:

Kirsten / Mama Ginger Tree said...

The last two weeks of my maternity leave with my twins were a nightmare. I felt so much relief when I finally decided to stay home. But that was just me.

What I am trying to say is I've had that feeling so often before. Follow your gut. It all seems to work out in the end.

PsychMamma said...

I know that feeling so well. I have no idea where life's taking me next. I'm just enjoying the "now" at the moment, but what about later?? Sigh. I start feeling overwhelmed and I just shut my mind off. Or try to.

I can't imagine that your daughters would be resentful of you being home now. They're probably enjoying the fact that you're NOT working and that you're spending more time with them now, and won't even think about the baby years when you were working. One less thing to fret about. Is it what you want?? THAT'S the tough question...... :-)

wheelsonthebus said...

it's hard to put him in daycare b/c you feel like you get so little time w. him b/c of the girls. also, i am feeling the same driftwood thing due to the accumulated sleep deprivation.

anymommy said...

I ask myself these questions all the time. You will figure it out and it will work for all your little ones.

In the meantime, keep writing. Just a little bit a day - and send things out. There's no reason it couldn't happen for you!

Jaden Paige said...

You will make the right choice, Issa. It will come naturally when it's time to come.

In the meantime, drink a cup of tea and enjoy your son's scent.

Lesley said...

Sometimes being unsettled (at least for me) turns out to be a sixth sense experience. It's like the universe is sending something your way...and somehow your subconscious has picked up on the energy surrounding it. What is the stat? We use only 10% of our brain or something? The other 90% works in mysterious ways.

But whether it's this...or something else...you're aware and thinking about this feeling and that's half the battle! Whatever may come, I have faith that my one and only Internet Issa will make all the right moves!

Lesley said...

Oh. And delurking day? Who knew?!?

Kim @ Ponytaildiaries.com said...

I swear that you should stop reading my mind and posting it like it was YOUR thoughts. Don't you know better than this?

I'm getting to a place, myself, where I'm trying to make a change to see if it works. And I'm TERRIFIED of this change. I tried something else before and that didn't go so well. Or, to me it's not ideal. So I'm thinking we'll try something new. And I'm looking into that now.

I get tired of living like I'm "making until". Or "just waiting until". I want to live now. Just like you're saying. So I can sleep at night and rest when I am awake and feel good about what I'm giving my children. Right now, I don't feel so good about it.

We'll see.

Kate Coveny Hood said...

I agree with Kirsten that everything tends to work out in the end. I wanted so badly to stay home with my first (and couldn't) - but now that I have three, I know that staying at home with the kids isn't for me. At least not until I can figure out how to have a career at the same time (part time, work from home, etc.) It sounds like you've already found what is best for you and are just getting used to it (or maybe overthinking it a little bit?) People talk about the mid life crisis, but I think we all have mini-identity crises every so often. It's good for us. Makes us really think about our lives and make decisions about what we want.

MarvelousMOM said...

Part of me is feeling that way as well with the baby coming, not knowing if I will be coming back to work, if we can really afford me not coming back to work and so on. It stresses me out!

iMommy said...

That's a really tough one, Issa. I hope that you get a little inspiration and direction soon.

I think it's a lot easier to float through life without direction when we are younger, without families and "real" life issues. Once we start being "adults", we feel a lot of pressure to know where we're going and how we're going to get there.

It's a lot easier to make the daycare decision when your finances dictate the answer.