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Saturday, August 16, 2008

Today is hard

I'm having a hard day today. Just not quite sure why. Rain normally makes me so happy, but two days of it is starting to get to me. Didn't want to get out of bed, but also don't want to do that to my husband. Or my kids. Thank god for birthday parties, as Logan took the girls and they'll be gone all day. He told me to stay in bed and take care of myself. A good man, my husband. The best, in fact. But I see it in his eyes; the worry, the fear. The wonder if I'm falling apart again. I wonder if I will ever just be able to have a crap day without him wondering about that. It hurts me that I did that to him. That I changed the things he'll think about me for the rest of our lives. That we can never go back to the way it was before.

I want to call my mom and ask her to come back, but I know my grandparents are doing badly and they need her and my dad more than I do. I want to call my mother in law and ask her to come out, but I won't. It's not that she wouldn't come, she would in a heartbeat, but I just don't want her to worry. I want her to be here when the baby is born, to help us then. Not today, just because I'm feeling sad. It's hard to be away from my family. Logan's extended family is here and that's awesome. It's great at parties and BBQ's and trips to Water World. But I don't feel like I know them well enough yet. I could reach out to one of them. I could, but I don't know what I'd say. I don't know what I need today.

Am hungry but can't make myself eat anything. TV just isn't cutting it today and I can't make myself read.

Am depressed and I know it. Not big depressed, just normal depressed I guess. Just feeling blah today. Have decided to do something to make myself feel better. Shopping is my drug of choice and now that's what I'm going to do. I'll go to Babies R' Expensive and buy some stuff. I'll force myself to go to the grocery store and buy cold weather comfort food. Rent or buy a new movie that we can all watch tonight when they get home. Tonight, I'll be in a better place. I have to be, my husband deserves it. My girls deserve it. I deserve it.

Am closing comments to this post, not because I dislike comments, but because I wrote this as a reminder to myself. A reminder to force myself to think about them, to not sink into myself, just because I woke up in a funk. A reminder that tomorrow will be better, today is just one bad day. I am okay my friends, I promise, I just needed to write.

Tomorrow will be better.