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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Channnngessss (Can you hear me singing?)

I have found myself anxious about this site in the last week or so. When I blogged before, I wasn't as honest as I am now. Of course a lot has changed and my world has fallen apart and now I've started to put back the pieces, but I wasn't as open. There are many reasons I stopped blogging that last time. One of them was that my family found my site and I got all kinds of grief because of it. Funny, but I got grief for the good stuff as well as the bad. That along with the hate mail I'd started getting daily and the fact that it was a hobby that had started to take over my life; made me quit.

This time is different. I am not a busy ass woman with a career, a family and a social life, like I was in Los Angeles. I still have the family and as you all know, it's grown recently. I still even have a part-time job. But my life is simpler now. I am not super busy, well any more than any woman is with three kids under seven, a husband, a dog and a house.

The time around, this is not just a hobby for me. It's a life line. I spent an entire year shut down. I've just begun to open up again. I've just begun to start talking again. Not talking, as in, hey did you like that movie last weekend; but real talking. About me, my emotions and my mental health. This site has opened me up again. Those of you who knew me in the past, have probably seen this. I no longer talk about water cooler drama, celeb sitings or random YouTube videos. Not that I won't do that some, but my writing has changed, because I have changed. I have reconnected with people who I'd lost touch with and started fostering new friendships.

I'd like to make writing my career. I adore writing more than anything I've ever thought of doing. I had a great career in LA, but I didn't particularly like it. I made excellent money, great connections and it provided for my family. It helped us be able to do the things that we have done....private school, vacations, moving, Nick's new business. But that career path just isn't for me.

I need this site now. Back then, I did it for fun, a hobby. Now it's a need. It's my therapy, my life line. You guys are my life line. Some of you I knew before; some of you I'm just meeting and getting to know; but all of you are helping me heal. One day I'll explain it all better. I know I hint about my past drama, my breakdown; but I'm not ready to talk about it. That's a bit much, too soon. But know that you all are awesome people who I hope to be friends with for years.

So here's the thing...three people whom I adore have had family find them in a way that's made them decide to move elsewhere, censor themselves or shut down completely. Two people are now password protecting their sites because of the haters. All of it I understand. Trust me, I did it. I ran and hid and shut down. I stopped being a good friend. I had people who I talked to daily who I stopped talking to at all. Some of them are the amazing people who come here and comment, some have acknowledged me a bit, but I doubt they'll come and visit often, if at all; a few have full out ignored me. It's okay, all of it is okay. I don't know that I deserve people coming back. But I appreciate those who did.

This place, it's my voice. I'm finding my voice here. I want this to stick. I don't want anyone to find it and me decide to leave again. I am not strong enough to handle that this time around. I joke about my cracked and small heart; but really it's just been so badly hurt that I feel like it is cracking. I need this to be my place. I need it to be Issas World.

I've decided to be proactive. Instead of waiting for something to hit the fan, for some family member to find me; I'm going to make it hard for them to do so. I've decided to change the kids names. Seems like a small thing, I know. But this is how my step-mother found this site before and I'm still dealing with the repercussions of what she did. Maya and Nata are not names that are easy to hide. If she Googled Maya and Nata, she'd find us. We'd be site number one. Issa, not so much, because she and my dad have never called me that, it's more of a thing my friends do.

I am less scared of "the Pervs" than I am my own family finding this site. It might take me a week or so to go through and change all of the posts. Please ignore it while I do this, as it will likely show up in your reader. But it's something I have to do, for my own security. I'll still post pictures from time to time, that doesn't need to change. But the kids names do. I hope you guys will understand, when I mention my kids and you think I've gone insane, or just traded mine in for new, non attitude giving kids.

I talked to Nick about it and he helped me see that I was doing the best thing. Plus he was all happy, because he got to pic out a new name for himself. Just know, I will screw it up from time to time. If you see it somewhere, let me know, because I really need to make this work. Blogging is just too important to me, to lose it again.

So, from this day forward (and this post will possibly self destruct before too long) Nick will be known as Logan. Because he thinks he is as cool as Wolverine from X-Men.

Maya will be Morgan Aubrey, because this is what Nick wanted to name her to begin with.

Nata will be Bailey Regan, because it's two of the many names we thought of naming her in the hospital when we found out she wasn't a boy.

Alex will be Harrison Thomas because I think it's cool.

I will still be Issa. Because this, this is still my world.


iMommy said...

Good for you - protect what you have while you have it.

I'll be around till one of us gives this whole shebang up, k?

Anonymous said...

I think this is an excellent idea. Way to go you for looking ahead and preventing the blowup from occurring!

I'm going to have a heck of a time remembering who is who, but I'll get there eventually. If I were to do this I'd just have to number everyone :-)

I'm still here, and always here. ((hugs))

Jade, Will and Illy said...

I agree- if family finding your site has ruined blogging for you in the past, then do what you need to fix that- we wouldn't want you to disappear again!

Another girl whose blog I follow recently had to go private because someone who knew her family downloaded her whole blog site, saved it to their hard drive and named it after her. She is so nervous he is going to cause problems with some of her family that she's been estranged from... I think it's sad that some people just can't mind their own business and have to judge and cause problems based on what you write about your own life. I hope someday you will share with us your story of what happened last time.

My blog entries are emailed to my grandmother (among others), so sometimes I find myself censoring, too. Mostly because I don't want her to think badly of me, and now that I have the site I know it would be wrong of me to take her off the mailing list- she loves getting the pics of Bendy Ruggles. But I have considered it, because now that I am getting more into blogging, I would really like to be able to say exactly what I feel. *sigh* I haven't decided what to do about it yet...

Kim @ said...

Excellent idea. If you need to get things out, knowing someone might be listening? Probably isn't going to make you get those things out like you should.

I've enjoyed getting to know you and hope to see you sticking around for a long time. I get the "not ready to tell" thing. I have quite a few things I'm not ready to tell but at the same time I kind of want to. Something like confession, I guess.

What a neat tool blogging is for that very purpose.

J from Ireland said...

Hi Issa, I just found you recently and love coming back. I'm sorry you had to deal with that crap. Its important to protect yourself whatever way helps. I will continue to come back here for your honest and funny posts. Cheers J.

Childsplayx2 said...

I know you were following my blog in the early days but I don't recall if you were following when I changed my kid's names.

I did it for similar reasons - not so much family seeing my blog - but I began thinking of when the kids get older and friends google them, do they really want their friends to know about when they first pooped?

It takes some practice but soon you'll be able to write about them using their nicknames like it's second nature.

Delusional Girl Ruby Soho said...

I wholeheartedly support you in this! I have another blog, on a different site, that's locked and that's where I talk about my son. My ex knows about it, but knows he'll never get to see what's in it. He's the reason I locked it when we were still married! And this one? Some of my friends know I have one, but I won't tell them how to find it. It's mine, and I'll talk about them however much I want.

You do what you need to do, when you need to do it. I'll be here if you ever need anything.

jennster said...

good lord i thought you were going to say you were leaving again!!! glad to hear you're not! we're here for you... :)

Anonymous said...

I get it totally. My in-laws know I blog and read regularly, but there are other relatives I don't want reading it. I have to censor because my real name is attached.

Lesley said...

Now I understand your tweet about updating all your posts! (Sorry - I am behind in my cherished blog reading this week.)

This is a LOVELY and beautifully written post. I love the last line especially. I fully support and understand what you're doing and am still trying to wrap my head around your getting hate mail. Horrible.

All I know is you're stuck with me. No matter how many times you change names...or anything else for that matter. It's Issa's world and I like it.

Becky said...

wow ok i'll have to get used to the name change but i totally get where you're coming from. i dealt with this too and so i just made my blog private. you gotta do what you gotta do.

anymommy said...

Do what you need to do, I'll be here either way. I hope this continues to feel like a safe, supportive space for you.