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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

True Issa-fessions: It's like true confessions, just a bit longer, rambley and a tad bit more crazy.

-I'm scared. I'm scared that I've waited too long to go and visit my grandma. That she won't be the woman I knew by the time I get there. I've heard as much from relatives. I'm scared to see her so frail and sick. I know I'll regret it forever if I don't go; if I don't take her newest great-grandson to see her. But it terrifies me. I watched two of my grandparents at the end of their lives. Because of the horrible ways they died, it clouded my memories of them. My one grandpa will be gone five years October 30th. Watching him take his last breath is still the first thing I think of when I remember him. Watching my other grandma suffer on a breathing tube for three days after being in a hospital for a month, three years ago, until my dad finally took her off the machine; will be the thing I remember most about her.

I don't want this to be the case with my grandma. She and I were very close. I was always one of her favorites. I was always the one willing to sit around and help her and listen to her stories. I loved nothing more than to watch her make dinner and listen to her tell me stories about my mom as a little kid. I don't want my memories of her to be clouded by the way I hear she is now. The cancer is in her brain. It's making her senile and mean. That's not the woman I knew. Not the grandmother I adore. It scares me to think that I'm could think badly of her in any way. It scares me to think that I'm bringing Morgan to see her and she just might not care that she's there. That the great-grandchild whom she adores, will just be an inconvenience to her. I'm scared.

-Traveling makes me super freaking anxious. I was always seen as the crazy chick who made plans at the drop of the hat. The girl who dropped everything to go someplace, any place, with no notice. I am well known for it, with my friends and family. I once showed up at school my senior year with this elaborate plan to drive to Canada and camp for a weekend. I convinced everyone to skip school that day and go with me. Logan and I, in the beginning of our marriage, used to fly someplace one weekend, because I'd decided it the night before. Once it was Chicago, once Hawaii, once it was even Paris. We've packed the kids and driven to places because of some wild hair one of us got. No notice, no big deal. At least that's what they all thought. But see, I was a planner. I just did it in my head. What seemed crazy and spontaneous to them, was a well planned thing for me. I knew where we would go, where we would stay, how we'd get there and how much money we'd need to take with us. When this all came together in my head, I'd present it in a way that made it seem like I'd just come up with it. It's just who I am.

But now, I'm not really that way. I've gotten over that need to be the cool crazy spontaneous girl. I'm a planner. Planning something makes me feel secure. Honestly, I need that secure feeling right now.

Flying makes me so anxious. Normally, when Logan and I go somewhere, I just take a Valium and drink and I'm all good. But I can't do that this trip. Logan can't come with us. He and Bailey are having a Daddy weekend here, because he's got work he has to check up on. So I'm taking Morgan and Bailey and we're flying to Texas. We'll stay with my aunt and uncle and all that is good. But I have to fly on a large airplane, in the air, with my two babies and leave one behind. That scares me as much as going with the kids; the leaving Logan and Bailey behind. Not that anything bad will happen. But what if it did? What if something happened to us and they're left behind. What if something happens to them and we're left behind?

I'm seeing my shrink today, because I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I'm feeling the need to cancel this trip. To wait and go in a few weekends when we can all go. To wait and go for Thanksgiving weekend, when we could all drive. But I know it might be too late. I'm not being a morbid person in saying that. She was given a week, five weeks ago today. She's got a catheter in her, her kidneys are shutting down and she has tumors everywhere. It's only a matter of time.

But I'm on the edge right now and I don't know that I can do it alone.


Delusional Girl Ruby Soho said...

I know you're going through a very rough time. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and praying for your family.

Mrs. Really Long Name said...

I wish I had something better to say to you than "Hugs, my friend, hugs".

But I don't.

I'm sorry you are having a rough time.

Hugs...big hugs....

flybunny said...

I don't have any other words for you other than I wish you peace. This is such a emotional period in your life and I just want you to trust yourself and your family.

Hugs my friend!

Lesley said...

I know whatever you ultimately do, it will be the right choice for you. I can only imagine how tough a time this must be. But even so, you've written a very beautiful post on a subject that must be beyond difficult to try to wrap your head around.

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I'm thinking of you and sending good, good energy your way.

Jade, Will and Illy said...

I am also sending good vibes and praying for a safe trip for you and your babies and a safe return home as well... I'm sorry for what you're going through, I know it is so hard. When my grandmother was in the hospital at the end of her life, she didn't even want us grandkids visiting her for the same reason you stated- I think she was worried that our memories of her would be tainted by the sadness of watching her go, and the fear of losing her.
I wish I had something to say that I knew would make you feel better, but I don't... however, I'm sending bloggie hugs your way. I hope for you that you get to connect with your grandmother in that special way you used to one last time before she goes :)

Becky said...

omg yeah see the shrink and calm down. it's gonna be alright!

iMommy said...

Oh, Issa...I hope that speaking to your therapist helps. This sounds like a very tough situation for you.

Sending lots of love, and hugs...